Tag Archives: religion

The Girl Can’t Help It

Your friendly neighborhood feminist here. There’s a lot going on, isn’t there? Like, ALL THE TIME. Like even when you wake up at 5:00 in the morning because Seizing the Day and Following Your Dreams and whatnot. Was I in middle school once? Did we, as women, win the right to control our reproductive bodies in 1973 or did I imagine that? Where am I even? Can I have a do over?

Save us, Ruth.

Save us, Ruth.

The Supreme Court decided last week that a corporation’s right to religious freedom is more important than a women’s right to access necessary healthcare. It decided that a corporation can have religious freedom. Because everyone knows you need to get to church early or those pesky early bird corporations will take all the seats! Nope. That doesn’t happen. Can a corporation have its period? Can a corporation get pregnant? Can I ask a corporation what religion they believe in when they apply for a job? Is it physically possible to kick a corporation right in the balls – just square in the seed holder? The answer to all of the questions is a resounding no.

What this decision tells us is that Hobby Lobby’s god believes that a woman should not be able to regulate her reproductive bodies through the birth control method of her choice but that a man, in whatever scenario that so provokes him, can choose to acquire and use reproductive medicines — vasectomies, viagra, etc. Because apparently god didn’t take whiskey dick into consideration when making Adam and Eve. Their god just feels a little weird about allowing women agency and autonomy over their bodies in the same way that guys have it — something about not trusting women after the whole snake in the garden incident (more on this to come)

And of course we can learn a lot from brave, mind-shattering responses from great minds like Erick Erickson:

Above all, there is a “sucks to be you” mentality at work here. You want to have sex whenever you want, you dirty slut? Well, sucks to be you because you have to be pregnant and deal with the whole birth thing and we’re going to chip away at your access to the one thing that can allow you to take control and agency over that very process. Of course, there are always TWO people involved in an unplanned pregnancy. Yet for the emotional, physical, and financial  burden thrust upon the woman, you would think she got pregnant by herself at feminist camp.


We are told to accept our biology and embrace the limitations imposed upon that very biology because some God decided it to be that way. He originated the “sucks to be you” reasoning in his conversation with Eve:

“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
with painful labor you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16)

Man’s punishment for listening to Eve (a woman apparently made from HIS OWN RIB yet he was still unable to talk it out with her before eating the poisonous fruit): You’re going to have to work really hard to get your own food and work, you’ll have to rule over all women, and one day you will die and return to dust.

I don’t know, given the whole human mortality condition this punishment doesn’t seem entirely on par with the women’s punishment.


Religious freedom is one thing but freedom on its own is entirely separate. Freedom to be a person and not be ruled by any other person. Freedom to be seen as more than a rib taken from a man that was written about in an old, old, book. Freedom to have SEX without comment from the purity police — because we all know that a MAJORITY of our country has sex for reasons besides PROCREATION (Like say, pleasure and intimacy?). Freedom to make informed, educated choices about my body because you don’t see us trying to take away your Viagra. Believe me, we have way more important things to do. 

More Hobby Lobby hypocrisy:

The Guardian

Mother Jones



8 Reasons Why Women Should Do Whatever the Hell they Want

*This post is written entirely in response to this article. You’ve been warned.

Hey ladies, in case you were wondering, you shouldn’t go to college because when you think of it, you really don’t need to go to college to be an amazing mother or a loving and subservient wife. And oh yeah, that’s all you were meant to do in this world! What’s that? You’ve always dreamed of becoming a doctor and saving lives? Sorry, that’s why God made men, you silly woman! You know those people with magical penises that allow them to enter into any vocation they so choose? Yeah, they’ll cover the whole life-saving, dream following thing. Now go iron your husbands’ pants and plan out the family meals for the week you kindhearted nurturer!

That was the takeaway message from a recent article my wonderful future mother-in-law sent my way: “6 Reasons to NOT send your daughter to College.” Charming, huh?  I thought I had lost the ability to be shocked by misogynistic ramblings. Apparently I can still be shocked. And apparently it’s still acceptable to use religion as a means to subjugate women. It seems as if the author of this piece has learned nothing from Pope Francis’ recent pleas for humanity.

So, I thought, if those beliefs are out there, preying on innocent minds, why not give voice to the rest of us idiots living in “near occasions of sin”:

“College and education have very little to do with each other…Today, anyone can learn anything they want with the vast library system across the country and with the easy access of the internet.”

Exactly! If only this argument was around when my adviser informed me I still needed to complete my US History requirement senior year. But for reals you guys, I’ve learned much more from the comment section on ANY Youtube video than I EVER did in my Liberalism and Marxism class. Screw critical understanding of the political landscape of the last century, that cat playing with that monkey is ADORABLELY SMART. Also, do you guys wanna go to the public library with me and just really learn the hell out of everything?

“College may be necessary for the provider of a family depending on the vocation God is calling them to or for those who are called to the Priesthood, both of which are intended for men.”

You know what I want in my God? I want my God to choose who can serve him and spread his word. I mean, that’s pretty much the MAIN lesson I got out of Sunday School all of those years — that God is SUPER picky about who he wants to live and spread his message. Wait, hold on, that’s not right…

eve“…the day-to-day grind of a job is below the dignity of women… it’s like being a hired hand, as result of the fall and the penalty for original sin… But the penalty for the woman as a result of the fall was pain in childbirth, not to work.”

HOLD UP A MINUTE. You’re telling me we could have had babies pain free if we didn’t listen to that damn snake?


“Keeping a home, being a loving wife, and being a nurturing mother are of immeasurable dignity to a woman and not something to be farmed out to servants.  The feminist world has twisted this so that a job (career) appears elevated, and homemaking is denigrated.”

That’s SO weird, I was under the impression that an entire society founded on patriarchal order and an overvaluing of masculine qualities was the reason femininity  and domesticity were undervalued. You’re telling me homemaking was valued until us idiot women started getting jobs? You’ve GOT to be kidding me! And as a former nanny, thank you SO MUCH for that servant metaphor. Here I was using my inherently nurturing qualities to save some extra cash for my future family and all the while I could have been focusing my subservient energies on nurturing my man’s dreams!

It’s also so refreshing to hear this argument against feminism. I mean, I’ve never met a feminist that hasn’t threatened to kill me for wanting to be a mother some day. Do feminist mothers even exist? Probably not, because they’re too busy giving birth control pills to little kids! Amiright?!

“The indoctrination of the feminist culture and the practicing of a sexually promiscuous lifestyle severely cloud, practically blind that good judgment…Not having a degree frees her to enter into a marriage with proper roles in which her husband will provide for her and their children.  Christian marriage by definition does place her in a submissive role to her husband, but no one forces anyone to marry anyone.  She should go to the altar with full knowledge of what she’s entering into.”

“Often the reason for a girl going to college is the pressure of the society around her, including her parents.

First off, I’m just gonna say it, okay? Every feminist I’ve ever tried to have a conversation with has cut me off mid way to go have sex with someone. Promiscuity is just in their nature. It’s why they came to college — not to learn how to accurately maintain self-confidence in a male-dominated world, or how to articulate her beliefs in an educated manner. Feminists came to college to get laid, let’s just face it. They’re strung out on 60’s free love and they want to spread it around like Herpes!

sandwich godIf society would just stop putting all this pressure on us to follow our dreams and “get educated” through completing a college degree we’d finally be free to serve our man and start popping out babies after middle school like God intended (It’s when we get our girly period time, right?!). And man, sign me up for that Christian marriage thing — I’ve been looking for a good submissive role to sink my teeth into for months now! What’s that thing that Luke said again? Oh right: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Certain situations, of course, are excluded from this teaching. Such as a tired man who just got home from work and REALLY needs his wife, who also worked all day raising his children, to make him a sandwich. (And God said, if you want him to put a ring on it, you must make him 300 sandwiches).

“Is a degree worth the loss of your daughter’s purity, dignity, and soul?”

SHIT. I knew all that weight I lost since college was a cop out — It was just my heavy sole leaving my loose, slutty body!

“Once she becomes sexually active with him, she releases hormones that mask his faults, and she remains in a dreamy state about him.  We can see why God would arrange things in such a way so that when in a proper state of holy matrimony, she would be less sensitive to his faults and thereby less tempted to be critical of him.”

This is some real scientific stuff here. I just don’t understand why I get so pissed when Matti plays with his hair if we’re having sex regularly. Are we not doing it right? Is there a way to make yourself emit more of this  “dreamy” hormone?!? Is it available in stores?

“..more and more women are coming forward to tell their stories of regret for having by-passed the more meaningful things in life to opt for the approval of feminists who cared nothing more about them than being statistics to reinforce their agenda.”

It’s true — every feminist I’ve ever come across is always so obsessed with her agenda. This agenda, that agenda — enough ladies, we get it, you’re on your period! I’ve certainly never met a feminist who wept for victims of rape, who bravely placed herself on display for the world to hear, to criticize and to learn from. I’ve also never met thousands of women who struggled against adversity to push the simple message of sexual equality to the forefront. Personally, I’ve never cried after desperately trying to explain to male friends that being a feminist didn’t mean I hated all men and all mothers.

Excuse me now while I go use the promiscuous skills I learned in college to seduce a married men out of going to church with his family.

A Few Reasons Why I Might Stop Leaving my Apartment

You know those people that are really, really loud at pools. They have every relative over that is still alive and let each kid bring five friends to swim. Well, I’m about to complain about those people, and about people equally as oblivious to their surroundings.

To be fair, I am that person you see in public looking around, counting all of the potentially imminent social or physical disasters (which is my own shade of crazy). I get worried when there’s only one empty lounge chair left and I see two people entering the pool. When I see someone wandering around the pool, looking for an empty chair,  I might say, “actually I’m about to leave, anyway” even if I just got there because the sheer awkwardness of watching a young lady walk around, visibly uncomfortable with her bikini body is way too much for me to handle. I’m in a perpetual state of waiting to troubleshoot. Which is sometimes understandable, because I’m awful at dealing with conflict. I’m really good at confrontation, though, like in the way that my older cousin had to tear me away from two out-of-town girls that came to my high school party, uninvited, when I was sixteen. (I call this, the unprovoked rage of a once privileged middle-class white girl.)

My attempt at capturing my "holding it all in" face

My attempt at capturing my “holding it all in” face by the pool. No, I’m not a professional.

But in the adult way, I’m not good at all. Matti’s response to most of my rants about someone around us: “It’s not worth it, Al.” Because he’s an adult. My attempt at being an adult is posting a passive aggressive note (“Try harder next time”) on the car that just can’t seem to park within the lines instead of just following my gut and keying it.

If you happen to see a behavior of your own in my rants, please feel free to completely change the person you are/have become for my benefit.

Let me start with you, chronic texter, hater of all expected social courtesies, such as watching where you walk. What would happen if you put your phone down until you’ve reached, say, your destination? I promise, the guy you are texting will not like you any less if you leave him hanging for a few minutes.

The lone texting-walker in natural habitat, unable to break stride

The lone texting-walker, unable to break her stride

You know, you’re making us all look like stupid, phone-obsessed teenagers. Wait, are you a teenager? I forgot people were still teenagers after I turned twenty, four years ago. Do you live in this apartment complex, too? Did your parents buy  you that cell phone? What would happen if I was also looking at my phone? We would crash into each other. Like idiots. We would be two young women, obsessed with technology, unable to navigate their way through a wide open  sidewalk. Do you know how that would look to someone watching? It would be hilariously pathetic and I want no part of it, or you.

The only pleasure I can get from you, chronic texter, is the thought of pretending to look at my phone too, as I walk toward you, so we can bump into each other and you will drop yours. The phone won’t break though, because I’m not evil and let’s all hate Verizon together. It will just crack and then I’ll act super apologetic as I recommend for you to go the cheapest iphone repair place that has awful customer service and that’ll be your punishment.

On to you, unofficial representative of the church of St. Ignatius. Although you are free to send your religious aspirations into the sticky HEB air, hoping someone will get stuck, I will not succumb to your trap! I have nothing wrong with you being religious but I don’t often like being made to feel uncomfortable. I spend most days perfecting my apathetic front whereas anything that could be embarrassing or awkward I prepare for and create the proper response. For example: breaking my foot while walking in London was a purposeful way to expose the disparities between the US and UK healthcare systems, but in a funny way.

So when, in the middle of the HEB express checkout line, you begin to question why my parents didn’t take me to church every sunday I am a bit taken aback. Mostly because I can’t really say “well, they don’t serve Bacardi, Tanqueray, or shrimp cocktails there, right?” Also because I entered the quick checkout for a reason, meaning, minimal opportunities for small talk. But I guess I took too long to answer because before I opened my mouth, you were on to saving the cashier! I guess my soul wasn’t worth saving after all. The only lesson I can take from this is that you see your time as extremely valuable, and have already ascertained that my soul was not worth the effort of trying to bring into the light, which is now yielding, inside of me, a level of offended I didn’t know existed. So first off, good for you sir! And secondly, how dare you? How dare you begin to shower me with conditional open arms only to take it away and give it to the next, closest, lost soul before I could even say no!

You know what, sir, you are beginning to seem like those vindictive people on twitter that unfollow someone who won’t follow them. Were you trying to slow play me, spreader of the holy word? If your plan was to get me to think about religion for the rest of the weekend it worked. Although I don’t think it’s the way you wanted me to think about.

Finally, to the family of fifty that has taken over the pool, could you keep your crazy down a bit? I’m afraid it might spread. Although I’m wholly thankful I have not yet overheard any of your children narrate how it feels to be peeing in the pool right at the moment, I’m not exactly pleased with your behavior. One of your sons is literally going to die if you don’t watch him jump in and I’m literally going to die if I have to hear him ask you this again. The retired lifeguard in me is about to have a heart attack. Your children are playing a modified form of dodgeball where they run around the pool, peg each other with a beach ball, and then jump into the pool wherever is convenient. Which, thankfully, has not yet been near someone’s head. It is 106 degrees out right now which translates to: It is way too motherfuckin’ hot for me to be sweating this. Please get your shit together.

Your children, without your advisement, have started playing catch in the shallow end where you have all posted up. Some would almost call it peaceful. But not for you, because the wind has caught the ball twice and carried it into your inner circle. Apparently, this is where the line is drawn. Not twenty minutes ago when your child was deliberately splashing water on me to get my phone wet, but now that you have been touched by a weightless ball that could literally float away with the wind, you’ve had enough. The main thing I don’t understand about this is that your kids are five and they were mostly innocent in their ball-overthrowing crimes. These kids are clearly just learning how to throw and catch.

Half of said party is pictured here, you can see the active parental participation

Half of said party is pictured here, you can see the active parental participation

What’s worse is that you are all in the pool but you’ve claimed three tables and eighteen chairs as your own, leaving me to visibly cringe every time a new person comes to the pool and has to stair at the empty seats that could be theirs if the world was fair. I know you are trying to have a good time but I promise if you let your kids surf on your back for just fifteen minutes, maybe throw them into the air while splashing around for a bit, they will feel better about leaving you alone when you ask. It always works with my dogs.

And this, readers, is why I don’t feel as guilty for not leaving my house some days. Even when walking to the local market next door I am inundated with text walkers that have no regard for the safety of those around them. It’s a dangerous world out there.

Note: After doing brief research, I have found that texting and walking is actually dangerous, not just from a comic standpoint. People have actually walked into manholes. To me, this is perfect.

Also: I am not a parent and do not pretend to be. Although I have spent most of my adult life working with children I do not claim to know how to parent better than you. I will, however, comment on things that annoy me. One of the things that annoys me is when you are a lazy parent.