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Sleep Disturbers Anonymous

Apparently, this woman has done nothing to make her room more comfortable for sleeping

Because sleeping in a tiny white room on a what appears to be an end table is always super comfy

Hello, my name is Aly and I’m a leg and body shaker. No I’m not humping Boo Radley, my all-white stuffed dog under the blankets, I’m rocking myself to sleep, you a-holes. What’s that awful cackle-like breathing noise? No, it’s not a coyote killing a cat in the far distance — that’s also me snoring. What’s that now? The blankets keep coming off of you while you sleep? Well, no, I haven’t noticed anything — it seems I have a surplus of covers over on my side of the bed. You keep waking up in the night because the bed is moving? Well saw-reee there’s a mythical organ inside of my body that only functions at night and in the wee (no pun intended) morning hours to push on my bladder until I succumb to the toilet — and yes, of course I have to turn the bathroom light on because there could be poisonous spiders living in the toilet bowl like the ones in Olive Garden that killed those people; You’ll get used to the light, don’t worry.

But believe me, I am not the worst culprit. Sure, my chainsaw snore may relegate you to quieter quarters but it’s bearable in most instances. And don’t try to hide, I can see you, fellow disturber, rolling your eyes as if you don’t wake up in the middle of the night with an ugly cloud shaped drool stain on your pillow — just like Zac Efron in High School Musical taught us, we’re all in this together. Some drip out mouth liquids loudly, some shake through the night like they’re in a Beyoncé video. We all have one thing in common: we can’t sleep still. 

Sleep talkers: The coolest of the cats. The ones that can’t be silenced. The kind of sleep disturber I aspire to be. I happily engage in conversations with Matti all the time while he is sleeping. The other night he mentioned something about burning quinoa, so obviously, the conversations are extremely important and wildly original. It always feels like he’s being super coy, like there’s something he’s secretly hiding, which is ridiculous, because in reality he’s just sleeping and I’m trying to force his brain to spit out random, funny statements that I can write about. Sometimes it works. Then, there’s the closet-serial killer sleep talker. Like sleepkillthis guy: “the other night he was shaking his hand in bed and telling me I was going to hurt the woman in the corner–I said there was no woman there and he told me to look on the floor for her shadow.” Some advice to this wife: Lady, get the fuck out of that marriage before your husband turns into Harrison Ford in What Lies Beneath and you find yourself drugged up in a bathtub wondering how you got there.

Sleep shakers: Who falls asleep while remaining completely still? Well, a lot of people. But if you don’t then you’re a sleep shaker so welcome to our exclusively shaky club. I like to think of us as being prematurely independent and adult-like, because as kids, we rocked ourselves to sleep — we learned to adapt. By the time I was born, my mom was 40 and had already done the family thing with another guy prior to my dad, so there was definitely no way I was getting the rocking chair, baby swaddle treatment. (Ugh, life as a middle class white girl was just so hard.) We disturb in a cute way, by rocking our bodies back and forth like we’re trying to catch the ultimate sleep wave. Okay, I guess it can also be associated with Restless Leg Syndrome which isn’t so much cute as it is bountifully annoying, or that’s the vibe I get whenever Anna sternly slaps her hand on my leg while we’re watching a movie on the couch, giving me the I-don’t-love-you-enough-to-not-cut-off-your-leg-if-you-don’t-stop look.

sorry-doing-strange-things-apology-ecard-someecardsSleep Walkers: Man, you freaks are crazy! How do you not chain yourselves to your bed in fear of accidentally throwing yourself over your balcony? Seriously, I can barely walk down the stairs while conscious without tripping let alone while my brain hasn’t made the connection I’m still sleeping. Sometimes, walking isn’t enough though, you have to make a sandwich or prod your partner awake until he or she is conscious enough to start fooling around. I like the idea of you guys because you’re multi-taskers — I sometimes get confused when making a sandwich and listening to music at the same time, but ya’ll are sleeping and laying down smooth sexy moves. Good for you guys. (Just please don’t assault anyone.)

Mysterious sleep sound makers: You’re trying to fall asleep when all of the sudden you hear the sound of someone eating a seemingly delicious ice cream cone. But no, there is no ice cream in sight. You think, okay, someone may be receiving some oral pleasure — if you will — by way of mouth; Because there’s a smacking sort of noise, a loud puckering, smushing together of the lips — is someone gargling mouth wash? No. And there’s definitely not another person in that bed so again, no to the oral pleasure. But the thought of it being that intimately distinct sounding act sticks with you until it’s all you can think about. Oh my god, this sound is disgusting and detestable! Stop smacking your lips together, god damn it! Why is your tongue moving around so much? Sleep, tongue, sleep! God, how is that pillow not dripping wet by now? And the only way you can get to sleep is by jamming those uncomfortably awkward Apple earbuds into your ear socket until you’re sure you feel your ear drums bleeding but anything is better than the sound of that disgusting mystery smacking coming from the guy in the bed next to you.*

sleepapnea

Darth Vader Sleepers: If we are ever attacked by aliens you fuckers would be all set — I can’t imagine any foreign being approaching a sleeping person with a sleep apnea mask and not thinking that sleeping monster can and will kill me.

Sleep Eaters and Sexers: I feel like these disturbers are sort of looking for the same thing, although I can’t for the life of me come up with which one I think is worse. You’re screaming at me “fucking a stranger is worse! It’s definitely worse!” and I’m thinking, ‘if I ate while I was sleeping I’d have to go grocery shopping twice as much and I’d look like more like my Uncle Mark than I am comfortable with.’ But mostly, these people are guilty of a couple things: suppressing their inner desires, buying too many cookies, and not finding a way to outsmart their sleeping selves. Designate a car key keeper to ensure you don’t have to enter couple’s therapy because your partner can’t stop screwing strangers while asleep. Win-win!

Snorers: Okay, this audibly difficult. Growing up, I lived in a house where I would be in the living room watching television, and even with the volume on full blast, every night the chorus of snores would play on high — the more violent, brash snore of my father sleeping in the basement and the choking, power tool snore of my mother from the bedroom upstairs, all combined with the screechy developing snore of my brother in his room. There were many times I found myself running to my mother’s room, in fear she was legitimately dying, only to shake her and have her wake to a short, punctual yet grating snore that sounded more like somebody trying to get the spanish “R” sound correctly. Don’t you love when a chronic snorer wakes themselves up? Oh my god, the pure joy of seeing that startled reaction in person is ultimate perfection.

Are you a sleep disturber? Is there one next to you in bed? What do YOU think the worst kind of sleep disturber is? Did I miss any?

*Disclaimer: Yes, this situation happened. Sorry, Charlie, for hating your sleep noises so much but I swear you’ll be invited to the wedding. Also, London was so fun!

Related articles (from idlikearedo.com):

15 Signs You Are Watching (and being emotionally manipulated by) a Nicholas Sparks Movie

You’re in the middle of watching some hardcore emotional porn when you stop and say to yourself, “wait, I’ve watched this exact scene like twelve times before,” — this is the first sign you are watching a Nicholas Sparks work of romantic deception.

There are several other severely obvious signs that you are in the middle of watching a trite Sparks classic, filled with the unrealistic expectations of love you’ve always wished more movies were based upon:

1. The setting is in some enchanted southern town by the sea where, oddly enough, no one has a southern accent and everyone is white. Safe Haven supposedly takes place in Louisiana. Same with The Lucky One. There are no people of color, anywhere (Yes this is a bigger problem than just Nicholas Sparks’ movies). I don’t understand this. Okay, the nurse in beginning of The Notebook was African American. See my point?

2. There’s always a pickup truck. I think Sparks has an affinity for girls who drive pick up trucks. I wonder if this is more of a girl power thing or a trait he just finds sexy in women but either way, there needs to be a pickup truck.

Source: News.com/au

Source: News.com/au

3. There’s a beach or a river. Like I said, these movies are usually in South Carolina or Louisiana or somewhere on the Southern Coast so there has to be swimming. Of course, the scene with the main characters swimming in said river or ocean appears way funner than any time you’ve ever been swimming. The splashes are infinite. Remember: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

thenotebook swim

Melissa Moseley/New Line Productions
Source: nytimes.com

beach the last song

Sam Emerson/Touchstone Pictures
Source: nytimes.com

4. The central characters will get stuck in a rainstorm while having a romantic boat ride to some romantic fairy island with low-hanging oak trees surrounding them as white doves circle the sky, where they will talk about their dead spouses or how they want to achieve their dreams. This was all culminate in an emotional storm where the characters chaotically embrace and either go all the way in steamy fashion like The Notebook, or get interrupted by the town cop like in Safe Haven. Either way, it’s sexy.

the notebook

Melissa Moseley/New Line Productions
Source: nytimes.com

safe haven boat

James Bridges/Relativity Media
Source: nytimes.com

5. The bad husband is a cop who abuses his power. Cue damsel in distress plot line that inevitable leads to her being saved with (maybe) some saving grace plot twists — in Safe Haven she shoots her ex-husband herself (Go, girl, girl) and in The Lucky One the borderline abusive ex-husband cop ends up killing himself because he can’t get over Zac Efron’s biceps.

6. Some mix up always causes life-altering consequences that are worked out within the next fifteen minutes of the movie by way of actually just explaining the truth and then usually, making out. We can see this is the lovable terror of the mother (Joan Allen) in The Notebook who hides Allie’s letters, or when Zac Efron can’t find a way to show Taylor Schilling the lost picture of her he found while deployed in The Lucky One (I’ll purposefully skip the weirdness of a brother only having a picture of his sister while deployed).

7. Montages are the main platform for character and relationship development. Because we all know how tricky it can actually be to write good dialogue, so why not throw on some almost original, mood-fitting music, and film the couple shoving ice cream in each other’s faces while they ride their bikes or sail a boat?

8. There is a scene where someone is fixing up a house: In Safe Haven, Hough needs to fix up the old cabin in the woods and hilarity ensues when Josh Duhamel comes in for some primetime making out and his foot goes right through the floor board. OUCH, amiright? And of course, who could forget Gosling roofing his dream house in the rain for the love of his life? It seems as though no one hires help in these movies; Sparks seems to be a superfan of DIY-ing.

Scott Garfield/Screen Gems

Scott Garfield/Screen Gems
Building a house WHILE kissing in the rain = genius

9. There’s a dancing scene. We all know The Notebook scene (which, I have trouble including with the likes of Safe Haven, The Lucky One, and The Last Song but still) where Ryan Gosling becomes an international heart throb when he asks Rachel McAdams if she wants to dance and them hums Billie Holiday likes he’s some god in vintage trousers. Which, let’s face it, he is. Then there’s the star-gazing scene from A Walk to Remember. But the best examples are the montage scenes with the main characters spending time dancing and picnicing as if to say “Look at how well we know each other now! Can you imagine us not being together? See how natural we are together! She’s even good with my motherless kids!”

the lucky one

Alan Markfield/Warner Brothers Pictures
Source: nytimes.com

the last song

Sam Emerson/Touchstone Pictures
Source: nytimes.com

dance notebook

Melissa Moseley/New Line Productions

10. White people embrace for a movie poster that is consistently a cheap knockoff of Casablanca and Gone with the Wind Not much to say about this recycled phenomenon.

11. A serious illness or life event threatens to tear love apart, whether it be cancer (A Walk to Remember, The Last Song), Alzheimer’s (The Notebook), domestic violence (Safe Haven) — It’s just got to be super tragic while ultimately commentating on the omnipotent power of love. Love can only be beaten by death, and even then, you still have the memories of you star-gazing.

12. Some’s spouse died recently and it’s really, really, hard to get over, but this new attractive person who has a troubled past of their own will make it a lot easier.

13. Even great actors succumb to weakened, over-romanticized versions of themselves. I’m looking at you, Richard Gere (from Nights in Rodanthe).

14. The feeling of brutal manipulation when the movie is over after realizing that Ryan Gosling will never follow you to a carnival and hang on the ferris wheel until you agree to go on a date with him, and that no Marine is going to stalk you down and tell you that you are the reason he is still alive.

15. Ultimately, the lesson that tragedy is the essential backdrop to ever-lasting, romantic love. So, no, agreeing on what to buy at the grocery store with your spouse is in no way sexy or indicative of whether your relationship with last. Also, normal love is boring and will ultimately be overshadowed by grandiose ideas of what it really means to give/show love (Sorry, James Marsden, you didn’t write Allie a letter every day for a year, soooo move on).

The reality is, these movies make a lot of money and a lot of people watch them. As a sixteen-year-old girl I counted down the days till The Notebook’s release as if it were my 21st birthday. Then again, I’m a recovering romantically unrealistic loveaholic. If these movies aren’t damaging little girls’ perceptions of beauty (being white, skinny, a bit lost, and remarkably charming) and love ( it conquers all, it’s mostly white, dependent upon the male finding you/saving you/helping you save yourself, can only happen after your other spouse/brother/father/sister/best friend has died) than it’s my own fault I keep dreaming of scenarios where Matti comes and saves from that guy I keep seeing at Starbucks. Either way, love is different for everyone so stop pretending to be Rachel McAdams and go walk your dogs with your spouse like a normal person.

17 Things to Do When You Are Unemployed

1. Write about being unemployed. Because who doesn’t want to hear about how you can’t support yourself?

2. Water your plants hurriedly so you’re neighbors can see how busy you are. What people think of you is super important so unless you want your neighbors to think you’re some lame-o who has plenty of time to do fun things take this advice.

3. Get in touch with all your friends you’ve been too busy for. They’ll feel super important when they know that your day full of nothingness can now involve caring about them again.

4. Watch every episode of Comedy Bang Bang. I shouldn’t have to explain this.

5. Make vegan cookies and eat them all yourself. Vegan means healthy, right?

6. Pretend people won’t stop taking your picture while going to the dog park. Again, social standing is key here. What kind of crazy person just normally walks their dog to the park?

7. Dress your dog up like Superman. This is just something really cute to do that takes the “look at that sad creature” attention off of you.

photo (77)

8. Create a game where you try to outsmart the monster wasps that live on your porch. It’s funner than admitting you’re terrified.

9. Come up with lists for other unemployed people. Because let’s share in our inability to support ourselves.

10. Plan dinner for the next ten days without ever making anything. Everyone knows the idea of super intensive recipes with spices and chopped veggies is really fun and super unrealistic.

11. Post pictures of yourself at pool to make employed people jealous. (Preferably while reading something like the New Yorker so people still think you’re an actively smart person).

BMLtzZgCUAEmBl2

12. Complain about how busy you are. Because you know how busy you actually should be.

13. Organize your thoughts in chronological order. If you can do this then why are you unemployed?

14. Reread the list of children’s name you made when you were ten. I bet the name Melanie or Melody or Kylie is there somewhere. It always is.

15. Try to play yourself in hangman. SUPER difficult.

16. Remember the red wedding from Game of Thrones and get pissed again. Does George R. R. Martin have a partner or is he completely heartless?

17. Get nostalgic about all the writing you did in college. Remember how important it was and how productive you were?

I guess I’ll look for jobs now…

What Bangs Gave Me

1). The ability to not give a fuck.

2). More excuses to wear headbands.

3). The appearance of someone who does not give a fuck.

4). The ability to trick my mind into thinking people are looking at me because they think I am a celebrity.

5). The opportunity to carry around a fine tooth comb and use it in public.

6). The self-confidence of Kourtney Kardashian.

7). The desire to go up to people and ask which celebrity I look most like.

8). The ability to look like a long lost member of The Ramones and/or Justin Beiber’s mother and/or Mrs. Culpepper from Saved By the Bell at the same time.

9). A sweat blocker/soaker for my overproducing head sweat glands.

10). The illusion of having a new wardrobe because everything now looks different on me.

11). An excuse to constantly look in the mirror to make sure I don’t look like Dorothy Hamill (although I know this won’t be able to last very much longer).

12). The confidence of a real life hair stylist. (I cut ‘dem things myself!)

13). Inspiration to try new things other than occasionally eating dairy.

14). The ability to trick myself into thinking that putting my hair in a pony tale is a “style.”

15). The self-motivation to brush my hair every day.

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Do some scary/fun thing today! Who knows what it’ll give you.