Tag Archives: feminism

The Girl Can’t Help It

Your friendly neighborhood feminist here. There’s a lot going on, isn’t there? Like, ALL THE TIME. Like even when you wake up at 5:00 in the morning because Seizing the Day and Following Your Dreams and whatnot. Was I in middle school once? Did we, as women, win the right to control our reproductive bodies in 1973 or did I imagine that? Where am I even? Can I have a do over?

Save us, Ruth.

Save us, Ruth.

The Supreme Court decided last week that a corporation’s right to religious freedom is more important than a women’s right to access necessary healthcare. It decided that a corporation can have religious freedom. Because everyone knows you need to get to church early or those pesky early bird corporations will take all the seats! Nope. That doesn’t happen. Can a corporation have its period? Can a corporation get pregnant? Can I ask a corporation what religion they believe in when they apply for a job? Is it physically possible to kick a corporation right in the balls – just square in the seed holder? The answer to all of the questions is a resounding no.

What this decision tells us is that Hobby Lobby’s god believes that a woman should not be able to regulate her reproductive bodies through the birth control method of her choice but that a man, in whatever scenario that so provokes him, can choose to acquire and use reproductive medicines — vasectomies, viagra, etc. Because apparently god didn’t take whiskey dick into consideration when making Adam and Eve. Their god just feels a little weird about allowing women agency and autonomy over their bodies in the same way that guys have it — something about not trusting women after the whole snake in the garden incident (more on this to come)

And of course we can learn a lot from brave, mind-shattering responses from great minds like Erick Erickson:

Above all, there is a “sucks to be you” mentality at work here. You want to have sex whenever you want, you dirty slut? Well, sucks to be you because you have to be pregnant and deal with the whole birth thing and we’re going to chip away at your access to the one thing that can allow you to take control and agency over that very process. Of course, there are always TWO people involved in an unplanned pregnancy. Yet for the emotional, physical, and financial  burden thrust upon the woman, you would think she got pregnant by herself at feminist camp.

HL-meme-11

We are told to accept our biology and embrace the limitations imposed upon that very biology because some God decided it to be that way. He originated the “sucks to be you” reasoning in his conversation with Eve:

“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
with painful labor you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16)

Man’s punishment for listening to Eve (a woman apparently made from HIS OWN RIB yet he was still unable to talk it out with her before eating the poisonous fruit): You’re going to have to work really hard to get your own food and work, you’ll have to rule over all women, and one day you will die and return to dust.

I don’t know, given the whole human mortality condition this punishment doesn’t seem entirely on par with the women’s punishment.

personperson

Religious freedom is one thing but freedom on its own is entirely separate. Freedom to be a person and not be ruled by any other person. Freedom to be seen as more than a rib taken from a man that was written about in an old, old, book. Freedom to have SEX without comment from the purity police — because we all know that a MAJORITY of our country has sex for reasons besides PROCREATION (Like say, pleasure and intimacy?). Freedom to make informed, educated choices about my body because you don’t see us trying to take away your Viagra. Believe me, we have way more important things to do. 

More Hobby Lobby hypocrisy:

The Guardian

Mother Jones

 

 

Real Talk: To Poo Pourri or not to Poo Pourri

The other day, as I innocently watched television via my friend’s parent’s Xfinity account computer, I was taken aback by some gratuitous poo talk. Granted, the commercial was for a poo-smell-negating product but it was offensive nonetheless. OKAY…have you guys heard of Poo Pourri? If you haven’t, it’s a lovely little spray you use before said pooing occurs, which eliminates that yucky odor that tends to remind us humans that we’re all slowly rotting away from the inside out — some worse than others.  (SPOILER: in the following paragraphs I may hint at the possibility that girls poop.)

poo-pourri girl

I know what you’re thinking right now: Aly, you’ve literally talked about bowel movements in 75% of your posts, what’s so gross about a well-mannered Brit elaborating on her poop processes  First, check it out for yo’self:

 

So, my beef is with the Orbit-esque nature of the ad — the whole concept that a prim and proper British lady with a pearl necklace is the the only qualified female able to talk about “unladylike” stuff like pooping because the overwhelming nature of her refinement neutralizes the words “tenacious skid marks” when they flow out of her mouth. And sure, it’s not like I wanna live my life obsessed with the literal act of shitting:

Exaggerated enactment of what life would look like if I only talked about my digestive mood:

“Hey, Aly, how’s it going?”

“Well, judging by the box of pizza I’m still pretending I didn’t eat last night, today’s going to be loose and uncomfortable. But enough about my bowels, how are you doing, Bob?”

No one wants this– not Bob and not me.

The ad just makes me think of a room full of advertising executives throwing out ideas and one of them yells out, after watching remembering how cool the “put a bird on it” episode of Portlandia was: “Hey, let’s put a British accent on it! That’ll make it watchable!” And thus, poop was classed up a bit. Made more ladylike and acceptable for those men still uncomfortable with the idea of a women sitting a toilet, emptying her tiny, fragile, lady bowels.

And then I come to find out that Bethany Woodruff, the poo actress, is actually Scottish. Alas, the British nature of this ad is totally purposeful and a lot creepier. Should we blame Mary Poppins? Is it our fault?

There’s a larger problem at work here — the problem of society not accepting women for anything besides being female and all that the term implies. Femininity is obviously not synonymous with taking a shit but if we put a pretty, proper girl in a nice dress, throw on some pearls, and plop her on top of a toilet, voila! It is now acceptable for her to talk about her bowel movements.

Take her out of that scenario, things get weird again:

Clearly, this guy is a little uncomfortable with the topic at hand. It’s like he’s not sure if it’s okay to ask the agreed upon questions for the interview.

Interviewer: What was the hardest line for you to keep a straight face?

“I think tenacious skid mark… not often do you hear a female say my skid marks are tenacious..know what I mean?”

“I’ll take your word for it because I don’t know how tenacious they are…”

Awkward laughter ensues until the camera goes to a female newscaster who says:

“Just for the record, I don’t do that.”

So yeah, girls talking about poop is still awkward. Even if she kind of sounds like the Queen. We’ve come a long way.

 In all honesty, I’ll probably try this product because why not? And if we could take the stink aspect out of poop, maybe us girls would feel more inclined to join the conversation. 

Would you Poo Pourri? Does one of your coworkers need to Poo Pourri? Potty humor welcome. 

Leave My Uterus Alone, Rick Perry

*This was originally posted last summer after spending a lot of time at the Texas Capitol groaning and eye rolling as Rick Perry’s team played for a dirty victory where the prize was women’s reproductive rights. Today I will be going to see Queen Wendy, House of Davis, Mother of Dragons and I thought it was about time to revisit all the reasons she MUST win the governorship.

***

Let’s get real for a second.

Hey Rick Perry, do you remember that time you said you pray because you’re “prone to make a lot of mistakes” and also, when in front of America, you claimed there were three very important agencies of the government you were going to get rid of and oh wait, was it the EPA? I still don’t know because you never remembered.  Also, remember when you said you hoped to be the Tim Tebow of the Iowa caucus? (Sad about his career now, huh?) Or when you said OUT LOUD that the minimum voting age was 21? (Gotta get that apathetic youth vote!)

I guess you really are prone to make mistakes.

See, that’d be funny and all if you were my 103-year-old senile grandfather peeing on the lawn and not the person who runs the state I live in and who is holding my reproductive rights in your hand like a soft tomato (are you surprised I didn’t call it a delicate flower? Well, fuck you.) You’re own republican friends have called you “Bush without the brains” so I think you should tread lightly when passing judgement.

You’ve been talking a lot about Wendy Davis, who has recently been described as a “former teen mom” — which is so great because we usually only hear about teen dads. Nope, that’s not true…

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You claim she clearly hasn’t learned from her own example as a teen mom. Obviously, as a middle-aged white man you would have a lot of expertise on being a teenaged girl. Now, you are calling a second special session — because all those people flooding the capitol to protest your BS was just a coincidence — to push through the draconian bill that would close 37 out of our 42 reproductive health clinics and make abortions illegal after 20 weeks. Because why wouldn’t five clinics in the massive state of Texas be enough for over ten million women? Oh right, because math. But you claim that you are fighting for human rights by passing this bill. That’s weird. It didn’t seem like you were fighting for human rights when you vetoed the bill that would assist women in the fight for equal pay because you were afraid it’d hinder job creation. Yay! Human rights! Let the free market work itself out!

See the thing is, Rick, people like Wendy can’t just pick and choose the human rights’ issues that’ll best serve their political agenda like you and your conservative cronies. People like us don’t have that freedom. Because you exist. Because you think it’s your right to determine who gets married and what I can do with my own body. Do you hear me telling you what to do with your penis? No, that’d be creepy and invasive. Yes, Wendy Davis had a baby at nineteen — she chose to have a baby. That’s the point here. Pro-Choicers are just that. We are not pro-abortion. We are for women’s abilities to make an informed, educated choice about her body and her health (which will be soo easy to do when there are only five women’s health clinic in the entire state).

So no, old white haired men, I’d rather you not tell me when and when I cannot have a baby and I’d rather you listen to some ladies. I want to be clear here, though, that I think any baby-having decisions should ultimately be discussed with both parties involved and not just up to the female. With that said, if it’s the responsibility of both parties then we should make a law where men must wear full prosthetic baby bellies for the entire gestation of the fetus and/or microchip every man so his whereabouts are known and therefore, he is unable to leave his pregnant partner until the baby is born. Because that doesn’t seem like an invasion of privacy or anything.

RickPerryCorndog

Wendy Davis already schooled you once, filibustering like hell so ya’ll wouldn’t cut tons of money for education. And you know what? Filibustering in Texas is hard! This isn’t no reading the telephone book Congress bull shit or handing it off to your colleague when you’ve run out of lines from Alice in Wonderland. Sister couldn’t even lean on her desk! What I’m trying to say, Rick Perry, is that you’re a hairdo and a nice face on an ignorant republican robot body so get the corn dog out of your mouth and back the fuck off my uterus. Or I’m gonna go get Wendy.

Just Don’t Be That Guy

pic1The internet has brought me to this guy and his self appointed Generation Y life expertise and you know what universe? I’m not laughing. He is every guy on Wall Street that gambled away all your money. He’s Ted Cruz fake fillibustering Congress with Cat in the Hat references. He’s Bruce and Kris Jenner rolled into one fantastically unbearable Kristen Wiig as “Gilly” lookalike (next time on the Kardashians: Bruce and Kris go to court to see who wins custody of their hairstyle). His name is Preston and he is a self-prescribed “thinker.”

oprah

Clearly the beginnings of a twerk…

Preston prides himself on being “the ultimate man’s man for Gen Y.”  The 20 Mistakes You Don’t Want to Make in Your 20s would be more properly titled, A List of Stuff I Took From Other Lists of Stuff and Also Some Offensive Stances on Female Dignity. Some other gems from this author include, “The Awful Girls Who Decided To Take Their Shoes Off In Nightclubs” “The Ultimate Prank Combining Beers and Bros,” and my favorite, “Miley Cyrus: The Reason I Never Want to Have a Daughter,” a detailed look into how super successful women like Oprah aren’t seen twerking it because “they have their fun in a ladylike fashion.”

Sure, the list tries to masquerade as an uplifting guide to being a generic person: Build your dreams! Forge your own path! But then this thoughtfully put together list of complete bro-rageous bullshit exposes its author for who he is: a bitter asshole who innately believes women are inferior to men and that being elite is the only option in life, all while presupposing that sacrificing happiness to get ahead is the only actual route to happiness (and let’s face it: he’s probably also not getting any).

Preston douchebag-ism #1: Don’t be in a relationship in your 20s because it makes you complacent and boring. “The last thing you need is to be bogged down by an insecure lover rushing you home.”

I find it so refreshing when someone says AT me: “Whaaaaaaat? You’re too young to be engaged!” It’s such an affirming life statement. So from now on my reply is, “Whaaaaat you’re too old to be alone!” or maybe “But I bet the baby that’s surely growing inside of you is company enough! What’s that? You’re actually not pregnant? Oh, THEN I’M SORRY FOR MAKING A SWEEPING GENERALIZATION ABOUT YOUR LIFE DECISIONS.”

Also, if anyone can force me to get off my ass and stop watching Gilmore Girl reruns it’s Matti. Sure, if I were single I’d get back all that time I waste having safe, intimate sex but this isn’t exactly the type of “bogged down” I have a problem with.

Prestonism #2: “A bad job is like a bitchy gf who gives bad head.” 

Hey Preston, that other article you wrote about how women have made it a long way in the world might be negated by this statement. Thanks for all those new equalities, progress! Now I can go back to giving GOOD head,  you know, the whole reason women were made with mouths (And for gossiping, of course! OBV).

“Your sex life is an investment… Instead of navigating through an ambiguous investment in which you shower your woman with cash and prizes for the mediocre sex provided, deal with a professional as soon as possible…Want a best friend? Buy a puppy. Want great sex? Call an escort.”

Are people I know really doing this? I thought this was only a serious thought in the movie Porky’s. Preston, I know this is hard for you to accept, but women were not solely made for you to have sex with. We can talk and think just like the other humans! Oh and try having sex with a non escort again soon, just take that huge misogynistic stick out of your ass and it may be a bit more enjoyable. Also, you should probably try making a human best friend, dogs tend to forget your birthday and they SUCK at planning parties.

It’s the people like Preston that scare me because they remind me so much of Christian Bale in American Psycho. Sure they’re not all serial killers but they all kinda border on sociopathic. Like who makes not “dating an unstable woman with mommy and daddy issues” a criteria in one’s life, as if that label can accurately characterize any one woman? I suggest learning from Charlie Sheen — stop being so offensively ignorant in public. (Hey, these days, you can even get famous by being smart!)

*If nothing else, I will spend my adult life exposing Prestons for the immature, sexist, secret Charlie Sheen wannabes they really are. And of course making fun of them for my own enjoyment and ultimate comedic benefit…

8 Reasons Why Women Should Do Whatever the Hell they Want

*This post is written entirely in response to this article. You’ve been warned.

Hey ladies, in case you were wondering, you shouldn’t go to college because when you think of it, you really don’t need to go to college to be an amazing mother or a loving and subservient wife. And oh yeah, that’s all you were meant to do in this world! What’s that? You’ve always dreamed of becoming a doctor and saving lives? Sorry, that’s why God made men, you silly woman! You know those people with magical penises that allow them to enter into any vocation they so choose? Yeah, they’ll cover the whole life-saving, dream following thing. Now go iron your husbands’ pants and plan out the family meals for the week you kindhearted nurturer!

That was the takeaway message from a recent article my wonderful future mother-in-law sent my way: “6 Reasons to NOT send your daughter to College.” Charming, huh?  I thought I had lost the ability to be shocked by misogynistic ramblings. Apparently I can still be shocked. And apparently it’s still acceptable to use religion as a means to subjugate women. It seems as if the author of this piece has learned nothing from Pope Francis’ recent pleas for humanity.

So, I thought, if those beliefs are out there, preying on innocent minds, why not give voice to the rest of us idiots living in “near occasions of sin”:

“College and education have very little to do with each other…Today, anyone can learn anything they want with the vast library system across the country and with the easy access of the internet.”

Exactly! If only this argument was around when my adviser informed me I still needed to complete my US History requirement senior year. But for reals you guys, I’ve learned much more from the comment section on ANY Youtube video than I EVER did in my Liberalism and Marxism class. Screw critical understanding of the political landscape of the last century, that cat playing with that monkey is ADORABLELY SMART. Also, do you guys wanna go to the public library with me and just really learn the hell out of everything?

“College may be necessary for the provider of a family depending on the vocation God is calling them to or for those who are called to the Priesthood, both of which are intended for men.”

You know what I want in my God? I want my God to choose who can serve him and spread his word. I mean, that’s pretty much the MAIN lesson I got out of Sunday School all of those years — that God is SUPER picky about who he wants to live and spread his message. Wait, hold on, that’s not right…

eve“…the day-to-day grind of a job is below the dignity of women… it’s like being a hired hand, as result of the fall and the penalty for original sin… But the penalty for the woman as a result of the fall was pain in childbirth, not to work.”

HOLD UP A MINUTE. You’re telling me we could have had babies pain free if we didn’t listen to that damn snake?

 

“Keeping a home, being a loving wife, and being a nurturing mother are of immeasurable dignity to a woman and not something to be farmed out to servants.  The feminist world has twisted this so that a job (career) appears elevated, and homemaking is denigrated.”

That’s SO weird, I was under the impression that an entire society founded on patriarchal order and an overvaluing of masculine qualities was the reason femininity  and domesticity were undervalued. You’re telling me homemaking was valued until us idiot women started getting jobs? You’ve GOT to be kidding me! And as a former nanny, thank you SO MUCH for that servant metaphor. Here I was using my inherently nurturing qualities to save some extra cash for my future family and all the while I could have been focusing my subservient energies on nurturing my man’s dreams!

It’s also so refreshing to hear this argument against feminism. I mean, I’ve never met a feminist that hasn’t threatened to kill me for wanting to be a mother some day. Do feminist mothers even exist? Probably not, because they’re too busy giving birth control pills to little kids! Amiright?!

“The indoctrination of the feminist culture and the practicing of a sexually promiscuous lifestyle severely cloud, practically blind that good judgment…Not having a degree frees her to enter into a marriage with proper roles in which her husband will provide for her and their children.  Christian marriage by definition does place her in a submissive role to her husband, but no one forces anyone to marry anyone.  She should go to the altar with full knowledge of what she’s entering into.”

“Often the reason for a girl going to college is the pressure of the society around her, including her parents.

First off, I’m just gonna say it, okay? Every feminist I’ve ever tried to have a conversation with has cut me off mid way to go have sex with someone. Promiscuity is just in their nature. It’s why they came to college — not to learn how to accurately maintain self-confidence in a male-dominated world, or how to articulate her beliefs in an educated manner. Feminists came to college to get laid, let’s just face it. They’re strung out on 60’s free love and they want to spread it around like Herpes!

sandwich godIf society would just stop putting all this pressure on us to follow our dreams and “get educated” through completing a college degree we’d finally be free to serve our man and start popping out babies after middle school like God intended (It’s when we get our girly period time, right?!). And man, sign me up for that Christian marriage thing — I’ve been looking for a good submissive role to sink my teeth into for months now! What’s that thing that Luke said again? Oh right: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Certain situations, of course, are excluded from this teaching. Such as a tired man who just got home from work and REALLY needs his wife, who also worked all day raising his children, to make him a sandwich. (And God said, if you want him to put a ring on it, you must make him 300 sandwiches).

“Is a degree worth the loss of your daughter’s purity, dignity, and soul?”

SHIT. I knew all that weight I lost since college was a cop out — It was just my heavy sole leaving my loose, slutty body!

“Once she becomes sexually active with him, she releases hormones that mask his faults, and she remains in a dreamy state about him.  We can see why God would arrange things in such a way so that when in a proper state of holy matrimony, she would be less sensitive to his faults and thereby less tempted to be critical of him.”

This is some real scientific stuff here. I just don’t understand why I get so pissed when Matti plays with his hair if we’re having sex regularly. Are we not doing it right? Is there a way to make yourself emit more of this  “dreamy” hormone?!? Is it available in stores?

“..more and more women are coming forward to tell their stories of regret for having by-passed the more meaningful things in life to opt for the approval of feminists who cared nothing more about them than being statistics to reinforce their agenda.”

It’s true — every feminist I’ve ever come across is always so obsessed with her agenda. This agenda, that agenda — enough ladies, we get it, you’re on your period! I’ve certainly never met a feminist who wept for victims of rape, who bravely placed herself on display for the world to hear, to criticize and to learn from. I’ve also never met thousands of women who struggled against adversity to push the simple message of sexual equality to the forefront. Personally, I’ve never cried after desperately trying to explain to male friends that being a feminist didn’t mean I hated all men and all mothers.

Excuse me now while I go use the promiscuous skills I learned in college to seduce a married men out of going to church with his family.

About that Time When Tampons Were Banned at the Texas Capitol

I KNEW I'd get famous

I KNEW I’d get famous watching Wendy House of Davis, Queen of Dragons walk by

The He-Man Women Haters have taken over the Texas Capitol. As I run into the the public bathroom, trying to pee before the Senators come out of their chambers, I realize I have gotten my period on the one day the police have decided to ban tampons from the capitol. Because that’s the sort of comedic timing I have. And that’s when I knew it was about to get a lot harder to be a woman in Texas. 

On Friday I spent all day at the Texas State Capitol fighting for my right to wear tampons choose. Whether you support a women’s right to choose or you are pro-life, the decorum at the capitol on friday was pretty ridiculous. I felt like I was in the scene from Across the Universe where Evan Rachel Wood is getting pulled from Jim Sturgess’ arms. Well, kind of. No I didn’t chain myself to the gallery railings like some of my passionate cohorts, but I felt their anger.

The first incident I had with a cop, Office Najera, incase you want to send him a fan letter, was when I was sitting peacefully in the auditorium overflow room watching Lt. Governor David Dewhurst pretend he cares about women’s rights when he had tweeted days prior “we fought to pass SB5 and this is why” with this picture:

abortion map

Map shows all the clinics that would close with the bill. Dewhurst tweeted this in excitement, looking forward to the clinics that would have to shut their doors. #mature

Officer Najera walked in front of the row I was sitting at, pointed his finger at me and the girl sitting next to me, and said, “You two, come with me for a second.”

To which I replied, “No, no I’m not going to do that.”

“I need to ask you a few questions.” His breath smelled like sweaty authority.

“Ask us here then, we are in the middle of watching a very important debate, you see that large screen behind you?”

“Are you two together,” he asks, because that matters.

“No we are not, but we are sitting next to each other.”

He seems to decide I’m too much work and focuses on the girl next to me. He asks her to come aside again, by herself.

I chime in. “No, nobody is going with you. Ask us your questions before Wendy comes on, man.”

“Do you have any marijuana on you?”

Ya’ll, I don’t know how stupid I look, but do I look like I’m about to bring some drugs up in the Texas Capitol while wearing an orange shirt in protest of what the Texas government is doing? The answer is offended, as in me being out of control offended at the whole exchange that just took place.

“No, sir, I didn’t bring drugs with me to the Texas Capitol where I would be rallying against law makers. But thank you for offending me more than I have been all day. And that’s saying a lot, sir.”

After this exchange I went home to stuff my face with some Quorn fake chicken nuggets and power up before heading back into the lion’s den. I packed two tampons in my bag because of that thing where you bleed for about a week instead of producing a baby inside your tummy — this is the scientific explanation of the menstrual cycle. I waited in line to get back into the capitol for way too long and then headed through security.

Image source: Slate.com

Image source: Slate.com

“Are these yours?” The Police officer asks, holding up two regular size Tampax Pearl Tampons.

“Yes, sir. I use those for when I have my period. Like today, when I got my period.”

The officer looks at the male officer next to him, still holding up the tampons as hundreds of people are walking by, entering the capitol, leaving the capitol, staring at the man holding tampons, “Is this okay?” He asks.

“Are you asking the man next to you if it’s okay that I have tampons? Because I’m bleeding right now and I use those to stop that soo are we also not allowing bandaids? Gauze? Are cotton balls okay? Is it still okay for that guy to have a concealed gun?”

The answer was it was okay to have all of those things, except for tampons. Luckily, I only had two and the grand tampon raid of 2013 had already happened. The mass confiscation of tampons would come to be known as the day women were stripped of their right to choose whether to carry a child while being simultaneously punished for that choice by banning tampons, the symbol of a woman being not pregnant. (Remember that time republican’s bullshitted their way into making this bill appear like it was about women’s health?)

They confiscated these things as a way to prevent pro-choicers from disrupting the proceedings. However, the opportunity for someone to use a concealed gun in this same attempt was completely overlooked. Someone look at me right now with a straight face and say tampons are more dangerous than guns. Do it, I dare you. If you answer yes than you are agreeing to come to my house and have a duel whereas I have a gun and you have a tampon.

Men, how PISSED would you be if we regulated your ability to release viable sperm into the world. How dare you blow that load into a tissue! That’s potential human life, for christ’s sake. Yeah, I seem pretty stupid for saying this, don’t I? Isn’t is so ridiculous to think that we would tell you when you can and cannot release your baby-making juice into a woman. Almost as stupid as not allowing women to have tampons.

There was plenty of reports about women making up Tampongate but I am hear to testify. I am a sister that is comfortable in my own skin. I walk around braless in front of whoever won’t complain, I announce when I need to poop, I fart when the urge arises but I am still human. I still do not feel comfortable being targeted by a police officer as being a drug user as I’m practicing my constitutionally protected right to peacefully assemble and take part in my law-making process. And when you hold my tampons in the air, officer, I am still a bit uneasy. Not because I am ashamed to be a women but because people like you and this state have made being a woman a crime and I don’t want to be convicted.

In the words of Wendy, “Some believe this fight is over with this vote tonight, but they’re wrong. The fight for the future of Texas is just beginning.”

No sir, you don't want to around a bunch of girls on their periods when you take away their tampons and rights

No sir, you don’t want to around a bunch of girls on their periods when you take away their tampons and rights

*The abortion bill did pass, as expected, and is off to Governor Dumbass’s Perry’s desk to be signed with one of his many Jesus pens.

Related articles:

Democrats vow abortion fight in Texas

Texas Senate Passes Abortion Bill

Abortion Bill ‘lit a fuse’

Tampons Banned at Capitol

Leave My Uterus Alone, Rick Perry

Let’s get real for a second.

Hey Rick Perry, do you remember that time you said you pray because you’re “prone to make a lot of mistakes” and also, when in front of America, you claimed there were three very important agencies of the government you were going to get rid of and oh wait, was it the EPA? I still don’t know because you never remembered.  Also, remember when you said you hoped to be the Tim Tebow of the Iowa caucus? (Sad about his career now, huh?) Or when you said OUT LOUD that the minimum voting age was 21? (Gotta get that apathetic youth vote!)

I guess you really are prone to make mistakes.

See, that’d be funny and all if you were my 103-year-old senile grandfather peeing on the lawn and not the person who runs the state I live in and who is holding my reproductive rights in your hand like a soft tomato (are you surprised I didn’t call it a delicate flower? Well, fuck you.) You’re own republican friends have called you “Bush without the brains” so I think you should tread lightly when passing judgement.

You’ve been talking a lot about Wendy Davis, who has recently been described as a “former teen mom” — which is so great because we usually only hear about teen dads. Nope, that’s not true…

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You claim she clearly hasn’t learned from her own example as a teen mom. Obviously, as a middle-aged white man you would have a lot of expertise on being a teenaged girl. Now, you are calling a second special session — because all those people flooding the capitol to protest your BS was just a coincidence — to push through the draconian bill that would close 37 out of our 42 reproductive health clinics and make abortions illegal after 20 weeks. Because why wouldn’t five clinics in the massive state of Texas be enough for over ten million women? Oh right, because math. But you claim that you are fighting for human rights by passing this bill. That’s weird. It didn’t seem like you were fighting for human rights when you vetoed the bill that would assist women in the fight for equal pay because you were afraid it’d hinder job creation. Yay! Human rights! Let the free market work itself out!

See the thing is, Rick, people like Wendy can’t just pick and choose the human rights’ issues that’ll best serve their political agenda like you and your conservative cronies. People like us don’t have that freedom. Because you exist. Because you think it’s your right to determine who gets married and what I can do with my own body. Do you hear me telling you what to do with your penis? No, that’d be creepy and invasive. Yes, Wendy Davis had a baby at nineteen — she chose to have a baby. That’s the point here. Pro-Choicers are just that. We are not pro-abortion. We are for women’s abilities to make an informed, educated choice about her body and her health (which will be soo easy to do when there are only five women’s health clinic in the entire state).

So no, old white haired men, I’d rather you not tell me when and when I cannot have a baby and I’d rather you listen to some ladies. I want to be clear here, though, that I think any baby-having decisions should ultimately be discussed with both parties involved and not just up to the female. With that said, if it’s the responsibility of both parties then we should make a law where men must wear full prosthetic baby bellies for the entire gestation of the fetus and/or microchip every man so his whereabouts are known and therefore, he is unable to leave his pregnant partner until the baby is born. Because that doesn’t seem like an invasion of privacy or anything.

RickPerryCorndog

Wendy Davis already schooled you once, filibustering like hell so ya’ll wouldn’t cut tons of money for education. And you know what? Filibustering in Texas is hard! This isn’t no reading the telephone book Congress bull shit or handing it off to your colleague when you’ve run out of lines from Alice in Wonderland. Sister couldn’t even lean on her desk! What I’m trying to say, Rick Perry, is that you’re a hairdo and a nice face on an ignorant republican robot body so get the corn dog out of your mouth and back the fuck off my uterus. Or I’m gonna go get Wendy.

Wendy Davis is the Reason I Moved to Texas

Being from Boston, it’s often hard to tell people I now live in Texas.

“Why in the world would you move there?” They say. “Do you hate us that much?” They also say.

Or if your my grandmother, you say, “Well good riddance! Let Texas have you!”

Confession: I didn’t move here because of Wendy Davis (although that’s the story I’m using in my memoir) but she is the reason I’m smiling like a proud, giddy mother. I moved here for a change. I moved here because the week of the South By Southwest Festival is like a city-wide party where you should expect to see at least three of your favorite bands. I moved here because Ithaca winters are like living in an igloo for six months that you have to dig out of every morning to get to class.

But Texas is so conservative, everyone says ya’ll and you have to go to bed knowing Rick Perry is sleeping closer to you than ever before. As a women, you also feel it’s more possible for you reproductive rights to be taken from you. That a room full of men can still decide what is allowed to happen inside of my body is one of the many mysteries I’m still unable to make a joke out of.

The truth is however, the longer I live here in Austin, the more I love it — In that way you love the gas station you drive a few extra minutes to get to because it has your favorite drinks even though sometimes there’s a racist, sexist, cowboy buying chewing tobacco giving you the up and down.

I could give you some other reasons why living in Austin is worth it.

  • We had this guy (who my mom loved):

naked cowboy

  • We have food trucks everywhere we you can get vegan sloppy joes (come one, people, this is amazing!)
  • We have awesome swimming holes like Sculpture falls, just make sure it’s rained in the last couple of weeks and there might be water.
  • Okay, okay. But the best thing we have is this badass feminist:

source: AP

Because this women called those men out. Because this women didn’t pee, poop, eat, drink, or sit for 13 hours. Because if you give a girl some time to talk about why she should have reproductive rights, she can go all day long. Because this woman is my hero, and she exists in Texas. So yeah, it’s hard being a northerner in the absolute South. But I should be able to decide what happens to my body wherever I live so for this, I’m proud to live in a state where Wendy Davis exists. I know she’s got my back. And me, I’m still wrapping my head around having the ability to talk intelligibly for almost 13 hours. Girl, I got your back just for that.

Click here or here to read more about Davis’ battle.

Who inspires you? Are you proud to live where you do? Tell me about it, stud.

15 Signs You Are Watching (and being emotionally manipulated by) a Nicholas Sparks Movie

You’re in the middle of watching some hardcore emotional porn when you stop and say to yourself, “wait, I’ve watched this exact scene like twelve times before,” — this is the first sign you are watching a Nicholas Sparks work of romantic deception.

There are several other severely obvious signs that you are in the middle of watching a trite Sparks classic, filled with the unrealistic expectations of love you’ve always wished more movies were based upon:

1. The setting is in some enchanted southern town by the sea where, oddly enough, no one has a southern accent and everyone is white. Safe Haven supposedly takes place in Louisiana. Same with The Lucky One. There are no people of color, anywhere (Yes this is a bigger problem than just Nicholas Sparks’ movies). I don’t understand this. Okay, the nurse in beginning of The Notebook was African American. See my point?

2. There’s always a pickup truck. I think Sparks has an affinity for girls who drive pick up trucks. I wonder if this is more of a girl power thing or a trait he just finds sexy in women but either way, there needs to be a pickup truck.

Source: News.com/au

Source: News.com/au

3. There’s a beach or a river. Like I said, these movies are usually in South Carolina or Louisiana or somewhere on the Southern Coast so there has to be swimming. Of course, the scene with the main characters swimming in said river or ocean appears way funner than any time you’ve ever been swimming. The splashes are infinite. Remember: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

thenotebook swim

Melissa Moseley/New Line Productions
Source: nytimes.com

beach the last song

Sam Emerson/Touchstone Pictures
Source: nytimes.com

4. The central characters will get stuck in a rainstorm while having a romantic boat ride to some romantic fairy island with low-hanging oak trees surrounding them as white doves circle the sky, where they will talk about their dead spouses or how they want to achieve their dreams. This was all culminate in an emotional storm where the characters chaotically embrace and either go all the way in steamy fashion like The Notebook, or get interrupted by the town cop like in Safe Haven. Either way, it’s sexy.

the notebook

Melissa Moseley/New Line Productions
Source: nytimes.com

safe haven boat

James Bridges/Relativity Media
Source: nytimes.com

5. The bad husband is a cop who abuses his power. Cue damsel in distress plot line that inevitable leads to her being saved with (maybe) some saving grace plot twists — in Safe Haven she shoots her ex-husband herself (Go, girl, girl) and in The Lucky One the borderline abusive ex-husband cop ends up killing himself because he can’t get over Zac Efron’s biceps.

6. Some mix up always causes life-altering consequences that are worked out within the next fifteen minutes of the movie by way of actually just explaining the truth and then usually, making out. We can see this is the lovable terror of the mother (Joan Allen) in The Notebook who hides Allie’s letters, or when Zac Efron can’t find a way to show Taylor Schilling the lost picture of her he found while deployed in The Lucky One (I’ll purposefully skip the weirdness of a brother only having a picture of his sister while deployed).

7. Montages are the main platform for character and relationship development. Because we all know how tricky it can actually be to write good dialogue, so why not throw on some almost original, mood-fitting music, and film the couple shoving ice cream in each other’s faces while they ride their bikes or sail a boat?

8. There is a scene where someone is fixing up a house: In Safe Haven, Hough needs to fix up the old cabin in the woods and hilarity ensues when Josh Duhamel comes in for some primetime making out and his foot goes right through the floor board. OUCH, amiright? And of course, who could forget Gosling roofing his dream house in the rain for the love of his life? It seems as though no one hires help in these movies; Sparks seems to be a superfan of DIY-ing.

Scott Garfield/Screen Gems

Scott Garfield/Screen Gems
Building a house WHILE kissing in the rain = genius

9. There’s a dancing scene. We all know The Notebook scene (which, I have trouble including with the likes of Safe Haven, The Lucky One, and The Last Song but still) where Ryan Gosling becomes an international heart throb when he asks Rachel McAdams if she wants to dance and them hums Billie Holiday likes he’s some god in vintage trousers. Which, let’s face it, he is. Then there’s the star-gazing scene from A Walk to Remember. But the best examples are the montage scenes with the main characters spending time dancing and picnicing as if to say “Look at how well we know each other now! Can you imagine us not being together? See how natural we are together! She’s even good with my motherless kids!”

the lucky one

Alan Markfield/Warner Brothers Pictures
Source: nytimes.com

the last song

Sam Emerson/Touchstone Pictures
Source: nytimes.com

dance notebook

Melissa Moseley/New Line Productions

10. White people embrace for a movie poster that is consistently a cheap knockoff of Casablanca and Gone with the Wind Not much to say about this recycled phenomenon.

11. A serious illness or life event threatens to tear love apart, whether it be cancer (A Walk to Remember, The Last Song), Alzheimer’s (The Notebook), domestic violence (Safe Haven) — It’s just got to be super tragic while ultimately commentating on the omnipotent power of love. Love can only be beaten by death, and even then, you still have the memories of you star-gazing.

12. Some’s spouse died recently and it’s really, really, hard to get over, but this new attractive person who has a troubled past of their own will make it a lot easier.

13. Even great actors succumb to weakened, over-romanticized versions of themselves. I’m looking at you, Richard Gere (from Nights in Rodanthe).

14. The feeling of brutal manipulation when the movie is over after realizing that Ryan Gosling will never follow you to a carnival and hang on the ferris wheel until you agree to go on a date with him, and that no Marine is going to stalk you down and tell you that you are the reason he is still alive.

15. Ultimately, the lesson that tragedy is the essential backdrop to ever-lasting, romantic love. So, no, agreeing on what to buy at the grocery store with your spouse is in no way sexy or indicative of whether your relationship with last. Also, normal love is boring and will ultimately be overshadowed by grandiose ideas of what it really means to give/show love (Sorry, James Marsden, you didn’t write Allie a letter every day for a year, soooo move on).

The reality is, these movies make a lot of money and a lot of people watch them. As a sixteen-year-old girl I counted down the days till The Notebook’s release as if it were my 21st birthday. Then again, I’m a recovering romantically unrealistic loveaholic. If these movies aren’t damaging little girls’ perceptions of beauty (being white, skinny, a bit lost, and remarkably charming) and love ( it conquers all, it’s mostly white, dependent upon the male finding you/saving you/helping you save yourself, can only happen after your other spouse/brother/father/sister/best friend has died) than it’s my own fault I keep dreaming of scenarios where Matti comes and saves from that guy I keep seeing at Starbucks. Either way, love is different for everyone so stop pretending to be Rachel McAdams and go walk your dogs with your spouse like a normal person.

A Plea to my Mom to stop watching Two and a Half Men

I don’t understand how Ashton Kutcher takes over Two and A Half Men like its the obvious next creative step while my Thursday night of NBC comedy perfection gets gutted like a fish. It feels good to be the fan of the “sophisticated” comedy but it doesn’t feel good being in the minority (am I right sisters of the world?).

I already said goodbye to 30 Rock, and have come to accept I will never again watch Tina Fey scream “living dinosaur” at a peacock. And yes, I have cried over this realization.

I even watched the finale of The Office this weekend because I was too weak to watch on Thursday and also because I haven’t had cable since before college. I could say I didn’t cry the entire time but that would be a lie. Don’t get me wrong, half the time I was cackling over the tears, noticing Creed in the crowd at the show’s panel discussion with an Osama beard (Creed always goes a little too far). My point here though is that this show isn’t just funny! It’s poignant and real and awkward and uncomfortable in every great way that makes up the human experience. Sure, we haven’t all had real life Michael Scotts but we can’t all be that lucky– most come with the ignorance and sexism without the redeeming self deprecation and humor.

If Community gets the axe I might lose faith in everything. Who doesn’t want to watch a Lost themed paintball episode?!?!?? Seriously. If I did many impressions I would be Amy Poehler right now shouting “really?!?” In reality I’m better at being Kaitlin–“Riiiick, Riiick, can I have a sip of your soda for sustenance” because I’m good at fake lisps. Which is really awesome when you work with kids.
It looks good for now, with season five being renewed (and I am praying for Dan Harmon’s return) but you never know. Now is when I throw out shows like Arrested Development and Freaks and Geeks and shout “WHHYYYYY” in the distance in pure Marlon-Brando-Streetcar-Named-Desire form.

Parks and Recreation is my saving grace–never quite in trouble of cancellation but still funny smart. Amy Poehler is also who I imagine God to be. I heard an interview with Bill Hader on NPR about his standup audition in front of Lorne Michaels and the SNL cast from the time and he claims the audience felt comfortable with him after Amy Poehler let out a loud cackle. She is God.

Either way, there are few people I can forgive for foregoing the Thursday night lineup. One is my mom whose chief complaint is “that goofy guy talks too fast”–I’ve never been able to figure out who she was talking about. Maybe Abed?

I watch How I Met Your Mother so, I get mainstream comedy. I find the bizarre decision and uncanny believability of Neil Patrick Harris as a womanizing player to be a bit of a lazy move though; there’s only so many times I can listen to–wait for it–legendary. And all I can ever think of when Barney does something offensive is how cute he looks with his partner and kids dressed up as Wizard of Oz. At this point I’m watching for Jason Segal and the eventual Mom reveal like everyone else.

If you really want to watch middle aged men struggle with their mortality and masculinity stop watching Two and a Half Men and turn on Scandal, I promise you’ll be much more entertained. And aren’t there enough shallow men sleeping with random women every night in the real world that we don’t have to supplement it with poor actresses like Miley Cyrus coming out of the sexy closet?

Let’s get less lazy with our television shows. Turn off Two and A Half Men please for the love of Amy Poehler. I promise Ashton Kutcher will still have his shirt off when you return.