Contest Results, Blogs You Should Read and My Favorite 90s Workout Video

Well, after surviving a customer service gauntlet the last two days I live to share my story and of course, the winner of my extremely serious and highly anticipated Prince Tengo Caption Contest. First of all, thanks to all who commented with a caption for proving people actually read my blog endorsing my absurdity.

These people rock and I’ll tell you why:

• Dettie stumbled upon my blog and had the amazing sensibility to stop and comment. Checked out her blog only to find an entertaining post about the advertising of feminine products that made me laugh out loud.
• The cleverly named, Dad It’s Okay shares new moments of fatherhood and moments he is looking forward to (which is one of the sweetest posts I’ve read).
• The brilliant Barb Taub who gave me some much needed support when my blog first started. I count on her blog for all things England and much, much more.
• The smartly funny Idiot-prufs who I could literally read for hours, presents some of the best dialogue, especially in this hilarious encounter with crunchy pudding — this post is genius.
• Newbie blogger, Mackenzie from Lies I Wrote in My Diary shares hilariously witty stories of childhood transgressions and why Wayne’s World taught her more than Annie Hall.

Thank you all for your seriously funny, clever captions and also for making me realize I am not meant to be a contest judge because it’s too hard. So basically you’re all winners. Okay, but I did think one was a little more clever than the others and this is mostly due to my extreme and unfounded love for creating fake sequel titles to movies. Lucky you, Lies I Wrote in My Diary, you are now the winner of some extremely cool pieces of paper  an awesome ninja star and one of a kind roll of US postmaster general stickers!

As for everyone else, I have free hugs for you! Just come to South Lamar Boulevard in Austin Texas to claim them — I’m such a good hugger.

P.S.- Just to give you a good parting visual, I’m going to share the video I’ve been sweating it out to lately. It stars Fabio’s beefier brother along with a buffer Saved By The Bell lookalike cast. Imagine me crunching it out to this while Tengo sits next to me licking my elbow each time I come down:

Happy crunching!

Because Why Wouldn’t You Go Rollerblading?

If you want to know what I was like as a preteen, just imagine a glittery baby blue Limited Too cami, hair straightened with a clothes iron, too much eyeliner, and of course, Rollerworld. I ruled Rollerworld like it was Fangtasia and I was Pam. The Rollerworld of Saugus, Massachusetts is where I learned girl code, how to be Mexican (hey, I’m 25%),  and of course, how to grind while rollerblading. Friday night Rollerworld dances were my transition into the raunchy world of teenage desire, where shaking your booty to Lil’ Kim was mandatory.

Actual photo of Rollerworld — I can’t help but imagine the number of semi-boners that existed on this dance floor at one time.

I only wish I had tapes made of me and my skinny twig legs rollerblading around with an underdeveloped ass and overdeveloped boobs trying to twerk my way into a boy’s line of vision. It didn’t help that the two girls I always went to these dances were mostly Italian and had Beyoncé (from Destiny’s Child days) booties without even having to drop it low. Mannn, I dropped it low though; but it didn’t look natural — I looked more like Gumby with blossoming breasts bending over than an attractive young female purposefully making dance moves.

There I am!

So, obviously, when Anna asked if I wanted to go rollerblading tonight, I said yes. Because obviously I need to relive my raunchy youth more and as much as I loved almost dying after hiking yesterday, I’d prefer to exercise without realizing I’m doing it. (Ellen Page also really romanticized rollerblading for me in a kick ass way). Matti, however, when asked, did not understand the draw to rollerblading. My initial reaction to this was severe outrage which then obviously led to the questioning of our entire relationship and how I could be with someone who doesn’t see the inherit amazingness of floating on rollerblades in a giant indoor arena with a bunch of other adults trying to be kids. But then I realized, without Matti at our rollerblading adventure, I could TRULY relive my Rollerworld glory days. (Hey, babe, if you’re reading this, you cannot get mad at me if I bring home an 18-year-old rollerblader with an active spirit and a youthful disposition. You decided not to come and this is just who I am now).

Anyways, redoers, prepare for a literary feast of descriptions of me rollerblading to hip hop music with teenagers circling around me, chanting, “ROLL, ROLL, ROLL” tomorrow because that’s what us ‘bladers do. Tomorrow’s post will be rollerific (copyright?).

But now for truly important matters:

If you REALLY love me like you say you do, you will go right now to look at this picture of Sir Tengo, my princely pup, and comment with a caption for a chance to win amazingly unique and ridiculous prizes from me! (Seriously, where else can you win a homemade ninja star AND official US Postal Service postmaster junior stickers.) There are two awesome entries so far but we need more! You will also win my undying love and respect which, of course, is invaluable. Mostly though, Tengo likes to hear me read the captions to him out loud so he can imagine being on puppy adventures. You have till Friday, you animals.

Cute Dogs, Contests, and Prizes, Oh My!

Hello redoers (yes, yes, that’s what I’m calling you from now on) in the middle of writing you a brilliantly entertaining review of that time I went out and got drunk off a margarita and a half, I realized I haven’t giving you anything recently (besides my relentlessly graceful wit). I also realized I haven’t bragged to you about how amazingly adorable my prince pup, Tengo is. So here’s our chance!

Now introducing the first annual Prince Tengo Caption contest! Can you feel the excitement? The anticipation? It’s pungent (most likely because Tengo hasn’t taken a bath in a while).

I’m going to provide you with a picture of Tengo in one of his princely positions and the winner will receive — wait for it — the intricately crafted colorful ninja star from the first installment of What’s In My Purse as well as some of my official US Postal Service Junior Postmaster stickers (and of course, a personalized note from yours truly which, let’s face it, will someday be worth a lot more than we think)!

A little bit of background for creativity sake: Tengo has long battled his nemesis, Mirror Tengo (the dog living inside the mirrored sliding doors of our closet), upon realizing, however, that Tengo can go behind the other side of the mirror, Tengo revealed his true self:

Rules:

• The funniest, cleverest caption will win. Make me and Tengo laugh (it’s been a long week).
• Winner(s) will be announced Friday, August 2nd.
• Enter your caption by commenting on this post.
• Feel free to campaign for your favorite caption through comments as well.
• Enter as many captions as you want!
• Entertain me, please, I’m asking very nicely.
• Email me at aly.dixon210@gmail.com with any questions
• Andddddd…. caption!