Tag Archives: comedy

Here’s Some Fiction on a Saturday

It’s funny how writing about personal experience felt so difficult after training my brain in fiction but you know what they say, get a girl talking about herself and you can’t shut her up! (And by they I basically mean Sean Hannity). I’m gonna stop talking about myself for a little bit here, or not completely, I’m gonna start talking about the characters in my brain, y’all. They cannot be silenced. Also, there’s only so many times you can write about walking to Starbucks with your dog. I hope I make up characters smart enough to buy their coffee local.

***

It’s 9 am and most functional, employed adults are awake. Gia is, instead, under a cascading, too-heavy, sale-rack Anthropologie quilt dreaming about having a life.

There is a friendly knock at the door. After the third time, it gets aggressive. Picture Danny DeVito locked out of his apartment with just his boxer briefs (I know, weird, I always  pictured him in whitey tighties, too…).

Eyes crusted over, Gia answers the door.

“Ugghhh, I was having the most delightfully pretentious dream about hosting a Ted Talk about achieving your dreams…” Her hair is matted to her head, being held in a pony-tale by a seemingly invisible hair elastic.

Tara enters, scanning the room, a visibly disgusted look on her face. “Jesus, what did you do last night? Go beyond the wall and get into a fight with a White walker or some shit?”

“Are you Game of Thrones insulting me right now? Is that what you’re doing? I think getting into a fight with Peter Dinklage would’ve been funnier.”

“You’re the worst,” Tara says, picking a bra off the ground with her foot, “can we go now? I waited as long as I could but I want to get to the pool before all the bald men in your apartment complex start showing up and claiming chairs. Bald guys have a thing for me.”

“Since when are there a lot of bald guys at my apartment complex?”

“Since every time we’ve ever gone to your pool.”

“I’d like a specific example.”

“OH, LET’S DO THIS. Cue the damn flash back music!”

“I hate you for so many reasons,” Gia says, sniffing at her arm pits to get a feel for how she should proceed with the day.

“I’m imaging the Game of Thrones theme song, what about you?”

“Of course you are. Your mom got you into Game of Thrones, didn’t she?

“Yeah, cause I make decisions based on what my mom likes.” Tara gives a Tina Fey eye roll as her screen lights up with a text from her mom: “How could they let Arya see her family die like that?!” She replies: “MOM!! YOU’RE SUCH A SPOILER! STOP SAYING THINGS ABOUT G.O.T.”

“I’m going to ignore you texting your Mom about Game of Thrones. Now get back to the bald guys.”

“Yes yes, it was a Friday…”

[Game of Thrones theme starts playing]

There are two bald guys in the hot tub and one thirty-ish year-old women feeling proud about her bikini body. Gia and Tara look at each other, daring the other to go in first.

The bald guy with the plaid shorts is talking about his recent trip to India:

“I found a driver that spoke English! He charged me 100 Rupees and I gave 120 and said to him ‘that’s for speaking English!” As the words came out of his mouth, another racist angel was born.

[Back to present]

“Wait a hot second, was that guy really that racist? I don’t remember him being that racist.”

“I haven’t even gotten to the part where he tells that woman not to sue her boss for sexual harassment because she doesn’t have enough money.”

“Okay, okay,” Gia gets indignant, “can we agree here that it’s not exactly the QUANTITY of bald white dudes that live at my apartment complex but the QUALITY that makes the difference here. I’m actually a fan of Howie Mandel, his idiosyncrasies are super endearing.”

“You’ve only heard the first bald guy story! And I didn’t even finish! You have at least five more that I know of. Remember that one who let us smoke some of his joint. Actually, I guess he wasn’t so bad.”

“What is going on here? Can we get into your creepy fascination with bald men some other time. I’m going to ruin every part of Game of Thrones if you say the world bald one more time. And honestly, I think you may want to talk to like, a professional, about this.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Will they make it to the pool before all the lounge chairs fill up? And will Tara ever stop talking about bald guys? But more importantly, will Gia ever actually make her bed? Check back next week for more weekend fiction y’all.

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Movies I Hope I Remember to See Pt. 1

Perusing through IMDB this week to spot my future favorite movies I grew incredibly sad imagining all of the poor, defenseless films I’ve forgotten to watch over the years. (Please tell me you’re also a regular IMDB goer, because if so, I feel like this relationship is really going to last.) How could I forget about these once highly-anticipated plot lines? Well, because my memory is really bad — smoking pot incollege takes a lot out of you and I just have a lot on my mind, okay?

Every week I’ll go through the new trailers, and if I’m not satisfied, I’ll go scourging through old archives of favorite actors, writers, or directors to find a movie I can instantly download purchase completely legally. (Cut me some slack I haven’t had cable since Gilmore Girls was on the air.) In this particular stroll through the interwebs’ cafe of cinematic delight, however, I came across some real coming-of-age goodness that demanded my acute attention. Here’s your first installment of Movies I Hope I Remember to See. Feel free to grab some popcorn if that’s the sort of thing you like to do while reading a blog post.

Lifeguard 

Kristen Bell is playing me in my role as a community pool lifeguard in 2011. Well, okay, she plays a 29-year-old women who moves back in with her parents and becomes a lifeguard and may or may not become romantically involved with a seemingly younger skater boy. Liz G. Garcia writes this dramedy along with debuting as a director. This movie excited me almost as much as Bell bringing back my girl crush Veronica Mars.

Afternoon Delight

I like when a supporting actress finally gets that lead role she’s been waiting for. Kathryn Hahn has always been hilarious but she’s always been stuck in the the quirky sidekick role (Anchorman, Wanderlust) which, let’s face it, does fit her well. This time she appears to have some leading role rawness that lends itself well to the part. She plays a stay-at-home mom who bonds with a stripper and dedicates herself to helping this character, played by Juno Temple. Note: I just found out this movie actually came out in January so go watch it! That’s what I’m gonna do!

Wadjda

The first feature-length film by a Saudi female director tells the story of a young Saudi girl carving her own path in the world through her journey to buy a bike. It sounds simple but a go through of the trailer will have you inspired, in tears, or intrigued to say the least. More than anything, this film seeks to offer a look in to a world we haven’t before seen. I hope it succeeds. Written and directed by Haifaa Al-Mansour, the movie comes out in September of this year.

Cutie And The Boxer

I love documentaries about artists and I doubt this movie will be an exception. The portrayal of the relationship between boxing painter Ushio Shinohara and his wife, Noriko is captivating and heartbreaking (and I’m just talking about the trailer here people). I’m sure this is one of those films that will simultaneously inspire me and overwhelm me with all the creative things I should be doing.

Dealin’ with Idiots

I’m a Jeff Garlin fan and any movie that aims to poke fun at the competitiveness of parents during their children’s sporting events, I’m totally game for. My mom was the parent jumping up at and down at my swim meets with an old camcorder in one hand screaming my name (I never saw video of myself swimming). This movie comes out tonight so grab your comedically-inclined friend and make a night of it.

Happy viewing, movie friends!

Do you like movie trailers or are you a no spoiler type of viewer? Are there any upcoming movies you just cannot wait to see? Do tell.

A Plea to my Mom to stop watching Two and a Half Men

I don’t understand how Ashton Kutcher takes over Two and A Half Men like its the obvious next creative step while my Thursday night of NBC comedy perfection gets gutted like a fish. It feels good to be the fan of the “sophisticated” comedy but it doesn’t feel good being in the minority (am I right sisters of the world?).

I already said goodbye to 30 Rock, and have come to accept I will never again watch Tina Fey scream “living dinosaur” at a peacock. And yes, I have cried over this realization.

I even watched the finale of The Office this weekend because I was too weak to watch on Thursday and also because I haven’t had cable since before college. I could say I didn’t cry the entire time but that would be a lie. Don’t get me wrong, half the time I was cackling over the tears, noticing Creed in the crowd at the show’s panel discussion with an Osama beard (Creed always goes a little too far). My point here though is that this show isn’t just funny! It’s poignant and real and awkward and uncomfortable in every great way that makes up the human experience. Sure, we haven’t all had real life Michael Scotts but we can’t all be that lucky– most come with the ignorance and sexism without the redeeming self deprecation and humor.

If Community gets the axe I might lose faith in everything. Who doesn’t want to watch a Lost themed paintball episode?!?!?? Seriously. If I did many impressions I would be Amy Poehler right now shouting “really?!?” In reality I’m better at being Kaitlin–“Riiiick, Riiick, can I have a sip of your soda for sustenance” because I’m good at fake lisps. Which is really awesome when you work with kids.
It looks good for now, with season five being renewed (and I am praying for Dan Harmon’s return) but you never know. Now is when I throw out shows like Arrested Development and Freaks and Geeks and shout “WHHYYYYY” in the distance in pure Marlon-Brando-Streetcar-Named-Desire form.

Parks and Recreation is my saving grace–never quite in trouble of cancellation but still funny smart. Amy Poehler is also who I imagine God to be. I heard an interview with Bill Hader on NPR about his standup audition in front of Lorne Michaels and the SNL cast from the time and he claims the audience felt comfortable with him after Amy Poehler let out a loud cackle. She is God.

Either way, there are few people I can forgive for foregoing the Thursday night lineup. One is my mom whose chief complaint is “that goofy guy talks too fast”–I’ve never been able to figure out who she was talking about. Maybe Abed?

I watch How I Met Your Mother so, I get mainstream comedy. I find the bizarre decision and uncanny believability of Neil Patrick Harris as a womanizing player to be a bit of a lazy move though; there’s only so many times I can listen to–wait for it–legendary. And all I can ever think of when Barney does something offensive is how cute he looks with his partner and kids dressed up as Wizard of Oz. At this point I’m watching for Jason Segal and the eventual Mom reveal like everyone else.

If you really want to watch middle aged men struggle with their mortality and masculinity stop watching Two and a Half Men and turn on Scandal, I promise you’ll be much more entertained. And aren’t there enough shallow men sleeping with random women every night in the real world that we don’t have to supplement it with poor actresses like Miley Cyrus coming out of the sexy closet?

Let’s get less lazy with our television shows. Turn off Two and A Half Men please for the love of Amy Poehler. I promise Ashton Kutcher will still have his shirt off when you return.