Because Why Wouldn’t You Go Rollerblading?


If you want to know what I was like as a preteen, just imagine a glittery baby blue Limited Too cami, hair straightened with a clothes iron, too much eyeliner, and of course, Rollerworld. I ruled Rollerworld like it was Fangtasia and I was Pam. The Rollerworld of Saugus, Massachusetts is where I learned girl code, how to be Mexican (hey, I’m 25%),  and of course, how to grind while rollerblading. Friday night Rollerworld dances were my transition into the raunchy world of teenage desire, where shaking your booty to Lil’ Kim was mandatory.

rollerworld

Actual photo of Rollerworld — I can’t help but imagine the number of semi-boners that existed on this dance floor at one time.

I only wish I had tapes made of me and my skinny twig legs rollerblading around with an underdeveloped ass and overdeveloped boobs trying to twerk my way into a boy’s line of vision. It didn’t help that the two girls I always went to these dances were mostly Italian and had Beyoncé (from Destiny’s Child days) booties without even having to drop it low. Mannn, I dropped it low though; but it didn’t look natural — I looked more like Gumby with blossoming breasts bending over than an attractive young female purposefully making dance moves.

whip_iblisst_03

There I am!

So, obviously, when Anna asked if I wanted to go rollerblading tonight, I said yes. Because obviously I need to relive my raunchy youth more and as much as I loved almost dying after hiking yesterday, I’d prefer to exercise without realizing I’m doing it. (Ellen Page also really romanticized rollerblading for me in a kick ass way). Matti, however, when asked, did not understand the draw to rollerblading. My initial reaction to this was severe outrage which then obviously led to the questioning of our entire relationship and how I could be with someone who doesn’t see the inherit amazingness of floating on rollerblades in a giant indoor arena with a bunch of other adults trying to be kids. But then I realized, without Matti at our rollerblading adventure, I could TRULY relive my Rollerworld glory days. (Hey, babe, if you’re reading this, you cannot get mad at me if I bring home an 18-year-old rollerblader with an active spirit and a youthful disposition. You decided not to come and this is just who I am now).

Anyways, redoers, prepare for a literary feast of descriptions of me rollerblading to hip hop music with teenagers circling around me, chanting, “ROLL, ROLL, ROLL” tomorrow because that’s what us ‘bladers do. Tomorrow’s post will be rollerific (copyright?).

But now for truly important matters:

If you REALLY love me like you say you do, you will go right now to look at this picture of Sir Tengo, my princely pup, and comment with a caption for a chance to win amazingly unique and ridiculous prizes from me! (Seriously, where else can you win a homemade ninja star AND official US Postal Service postmaster junior stickers.) There are two awesome entries so far but we need more! You will also win my undying love and respect which, of course, is invaluable. Mostly though, Tengo likes to hear me read the captions to him out loud so he can imagine being on puppy adventures. You have till Friday, you animals.

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2 responses to “Because Why Wouldn’t You Go Rollerblading?

  1. Ice skating was the thing (badass joint where parents did not enjoy sending their kiddies):
    Dad can we go to movies?
    Yeah sure Honey!
    Upon the pick up:
    Did you have a good time girls?
    Nah – boring movie..
    Was it a horror?
    No why?
    Cos your pants are wet…

    Right off to go captionize a picture now – maybe 😉

  2. Now I can’t stop picturing Gumby with breasts.

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