The Walmart Microwave Hunt

Welcome to Wal-Mart. Sorry are the giants bin displays of fun pops, batteries, and aloe vera in your way?

Welcome to Walmart. Sorry are the giants bin displays of fun pops, batteries, and aloe vera in your way?

I would’ve put up a better fight, but I was feeling bloated and hungry and the appeal of a cheap and easy nuking machine beat out my conscience.  So we went to Walmart for a microwave. I don’t take this sentence lightly, I assure you — I spent an entire semester Sophomore year of college on a journalism research project about the class action suit brought up by women against the corporation; I’m convinced I only got an A- because my teacher was halfway through having her tenure revoked and fully on her way to becoming a crazy conspiracist.

But Walmart’s just so much cheaper. Sometimes, we compromise our supposed morals for low prices (especially when unemployed) and, of course, for the chance to watch an entire family go from clothes shopping to vision appointments to toy shopping to grocery shopping and finally, to a quick dinner at McDonald’s without having to leave the comfort of their local Walmart SuperCenter — It’s like watching the ultimate Supermarket Sweep challenge live.

mckayla-notimpressedBut Walmart still triggers the spoiled six-year-old brat response in me — My face morphs into a McKayla Maroney “I’m not impressed” look like a true diva. If walking down a frozen aisle where there’s fifteen freezer doors worth of frozen pizza variety and only six worth of frozen veggies doesn’t elicit an automatic face-palm-response then we obviously just wouldn’t get along.

I knew I was losing my mind when Matti held up frozen mozzarella sticks with a remember-how-I-used-to-eat-dairy-and-fried-foods-before-I-met-you face and I said, “Are you fuc– well, actually, I’m kind of in the mood for mozz sticks.” Translation: Sure, I’m kind of in the mood to turn into Ursula from the Little Mermaid later, when the fried dairy starts to Perfect Storm my stomach — but at least I won’t know when it’s coming.

But when we get to the microwave aisle I’m less “not impressed” and more about-to-turn-into-the-Hulk because it’s not even that cheap — it’s basically the same price as Target except I don’t get to venture off next door into the aisle of plates that perfectly matches our apartment’s color palette as Matti pays for makes the hard microwave decisions. (I can sense olive green home decor from an unparalleled distance.)

But we have to get the microwave, because we’re here, in Walmart, and I’ve already started drinking my unsweetened tea without paying for it. As an attempt to make this trip worth it I stop to glance at the bath mats, since we’ve been using a dirty white towel with the word “fun” on it since we moved in. Apparently though, bath mats are the only product where the price, despite the store, never changes. I swear to Mindy that I’ve been in 20 different places looking for a bath mat and they never get cheaper — no, not even at Walmart. What are you good for, Walmart, if not for everyday low prices?

flowersI start to get mad at Walmart like it’s my half sister– what’s up with your flower section? You have carnations, carnations, florescent carnations and dying roses. You could maybe utilize the space being taken up by the giant bins of batteries and fun pops in the middle of the main aisle for a blossoming, slightly neater flower station. Maybe? How about just getting that old man that works in produce to get his hand out of his pants?

I leave Walmart right after handing the cashier an abandoned rotisserie chicken left on top of the People Magazine rack. She seems appreciative and I immediately start worrying about what they are going to do with the chicken. How long could it have been sitting there, getting cold, decomposing, alone in an aisle of candy and soda and last minute grabs. I hoped like me, the chicken would get out of there soon.

23 responses to “The Walmart Microwave Hunt

  1. Oh Wal-Mart. It never ceases to disappoint with hilarity! Try a Wal-Mart in South Carolina if you’re ever here. The people alone are enough to make you claw your eyes out….

  2. WHERE ARE THE BATHMATS? -Greg Lewinter

  3. I’m sure some of those frozen pizzas were vegetarian. Anyway, where else can you shop for frozen pizza while you get the oil changed in your car.

  4. no wonder you’d be out for days after a weekend of binging on Sammy’s pizza and Rogan’s mazz sticks… The dog days are over I guess… I’ll carry the torch from now on when it comes to fried dairy.

  5. Oh you know exactly what they’re going to do with that chicken. :p

    Thanks for the chuckles 🙂

  6. This was awesome! I think we all have that same senior gentleman with his hands in his pants …. *smirks with my McKayla Maroney face* LOL!

  7. The Walmart experience is universal. Who would’ve thunk it?
    Great read!

  8. Walmart makes for good blog fodder! I, too, worry about those lost chickens…

  9. Ew…I don’t even want to know about the chicken. Walmart never ceases to amaze.

  10. Personally, I like the idea of the “fun” towel. It’s much more interesting and stylish than a bath mat.

  11. The question, really, is this. Is it a towel with the word “fun” on it, or a towel advertising the band fun.? I am guessing the former.

  12. We do most of our shopping at Walmart. Technically, I order most of the stuff online taking advantage of their free shipping. That way, I can shop in totally inappropriate clothing in the privacy of my own home.

  13. Wal-mart still makes me feel that way. I’m glad that I’m changing my prescriptions to another store so I don’t even have to go there once a month, but a total lack of income drives me in there sometimes. Kinda sad.

  14. That chicken is so getting sold. “Hey honey, look at this great deal on chicken!”

  15. We love Walmart. That’s why the theme for Kellie’s 50th birthday party was The People of Walmart. You’ll probably love this link:

  16. Oh Walmart…the home of that which cannot be unseen. I try not to go there unless I need garden mulch and milk at the same time. The thing is that whatever isn’t a low price, is far more than at other stores, so I might as well split the difference and keep a shred of sanity. Hope those stix were gooooood!

  17. Ok, I was wrong . . . THIS gave me PTSD. I only venture into Walmart once a year . . . right before Halloween to get cheap candy. Although, I’ve noticed that the good stuff is pretty much the same price as Target as well recently. Fail, Walmart.

    I *heart* Target!

  18. No one gets out of Walmart “soon”… it’s impossible, and I really, really don’t say that word lightly! 🙂

  19. Haha, I love the ‘not impressed’ face!

  20. nataliedeyoung

    Ugh, ugh, ick, ick. Walmart gives me the grodies. I just can’t bring myself to go in; I am speaking politically with my dollars. Or something.
    However, this did provide you with one funny story. 🙂

  21. At my old house, Walmart was the closest store where we could get Walmarty things. It was rural and there was nothing else nearby. But we moved from there 3 years ago and I’m so happy because selling my house was the only way I could get away from it. Loved this post!

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