As we speak, I’m pretty sure some bald guy with a headset is standing in front of a wall of monitors that show hundreds of people getting out of the shower. I understand voyeurism–it’s why so many people choose being invisible when asked hypothetically which superpower they would want. But now, it’s personal.
Last week on The Colbert Report, Stephen mentioned the use of microwave ovens and dishwashers as possible new spying mechanisms: “I am way more excited about the new surveillance devices they are cooking up…We need to know what people are nuking. Is it a microwavable burrito? A). they are foreign B). I know for a fact they have explosive potential.” Because the most important thing your government should know about is what goes on in your kitchen. Fox News took this very seriously.
Well, I have discovered a new way that the NSA is out to get me: My thermostat. It was around four p.m. when the room suddenly got clammy, my palms began to sweat like they never before sweat in 78 degree heat. But wait, it wasn’t 78 degrees–it was 84! That’s when I knew someone was out to get me. Sure, I’ve been known to forget to hit the ‘hold’ button, only to start talking out loud to myself like my mother, cursing my forgetfulness. But that’s neither here nor there. The hold button was on but somehow, a mysterious ‘save’ button was simultaneously illuminated.
Of course, after hearing about the inception of the new kitchen surveillance line it was clear these devices could be anywhere: blenders (because only hippy liberals make smoothies), electronic toothbrushes (only lazy people can’t brush their own teeth and lazy people are often criminals), the list goes on. I tried everything to get the temperature under 80 degrees but it was no use. It was as if it were all part of a plan. A plan to disallow me the comforts of my own laziness.
When Matti called the electric company there was no human interaction to be had, only a machine on a loop claiming that an energy saving mode was to be imposed due to high energy demand and then a dial tone. High demand you say, for air conditioning in a Texas summer? No way. I don’t buy it.
So why would they care about how I use my thermostat you ask?
1. To target the unemployed: Who else is home during the weekday, puttering about in their jammies, enjoying average temperatures while the rest of Texas sweats it out like they’re in one collective session of Bikram yoga. Get up, you lazy sons of Bs is what they’re are saying, very loudly and secretly.
2. Start their own climate change movement: These creeps are sneaky. Why start randomly imposing periods of time where people are not allowed to use their air conditioner during the day? Obviously to control climate change. Because if these snoops can get tons of people to cut down on the electricity for a few hours a day, imagine how that would benefit our climate! GUYS, it’d be like a secret miracle that the NSA could pull out of their spy hats one day and be like “Told ya’ll we were the good guys.”
This can only be the start of some horrible, horrible conspiracy of home appliance spyware. I’ve seen Scandal, I know how this all works. Either way, from now on, I’m DEFINITELY not standing naked in front of the air conditioning vent to dry off after a shower. You’d do well to take this advice yourself.
Check out the whole Colbert segment here
Note: None of this is to be taken seriously. However, if you’d like to take it seriously, well, good for you.