Yoga and Other Ways I Can’t Relax

Does anyone fall asleep in silence anymore? Because I have never been one of those spiritually attuned people who could fall asleep in stillness without thinking every crack I hear or shadow I see is someone plotting the quickest way to kill me. You could say I’m paranoid but I like to think I’m careful. So far, I haven’t been murdered so it’s working really well. (Please don’t get any ideas.) But either way I’ve always been envious of those people. Any by envious I mean I harbor slight hatred. Seriously. I hate your yoga pictures. Not because I hate you but because I hate that you can go to sleep in silence and because you can wrap your leg around your neck and that makes me feel really uncomfortable.


Also, don’t you hate when that’s the talent that someone is way to quick to show whenever asked. Like I LOVE Shaki but as if we didn’t already see her as enough of a sex symbol on The Voice, sister has to put both her legs behind her neck and really show her womanhood. Adam Levine was behind that I’m sure.

Last night it came to a head for me. I was laying down contemplating how much cooler i’d be if I did yoga regularly–but mostly if I posted pictures of myself doing yoga regularly. Maybe I’d even start a yoga blog where I talk about things like stretching and eating right. But then how would I explain the entire pizza and half of apple pie I ate last sunday because the idea of a day filled with only pie excited me in ways I hadn’t been in weeks? These are the things that keep me up at night.

Okay, okay, I respect regular yoga doers–I even spent a whole month teaching it to the kids I worked with as an attempt to get them to calm the fuck down. But that was real basic stuff. This may have worked better if I weren’t someone who gets worked up at the mention of having to go grocery shopping.

But there are some people who have ruined yoga for me. Like this one self-proclaimed goddess who became too spiritual to be in a relationship with my friend anymore and decided to move away to be with someone who could show her more Acro yoga moves and let her be free like Black Beauty. She also borrowed my shirt once only for me to see her wearing it in L.A. with the entire bottom half cut off as she mounted some dude’s head on the beach with the sunset in the background. I told you, she was a free spirit.

I know that I need some spiritual guidance in my life but I’m a sarcastic asshole and I don’t want to change that. It’s gotten me pretty far. But I also don’t want to have to put on Boy Meets World reruns every time I want to go to sleep. And also, what did the cave people do? I’m not sure if I’ve heard of the spirituality of cavemen but I know yoga has been around for like, ever.

I’ve also felt like I needed to stretch my back for like a year. I’m serious. I have tried everything: downward dog, upward cat, sideways monkey, everything. Is yoga like fairies? Do I need to believe in its’ powers for it to work? I DO BELIEVE IN YOGA, I DO, I DO.

One response to “Yoga and Other Ways I Can’t Relax

  1. Pingback: Sleep Disturbers Anonymous | I'd like a redo

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