1. Write about being unemployed. Because who doesn’t want to hear about how you can’t support yourself?
2. Water your plants hurriedly so you’re neighbors can see how busy you are. What people think of you is super important so unless you want your neighbors to think you’re some lame-o who has plenty of time to do fun things take this advice.
3. Get in touch with all your friends you’ve been too busy for. They’ll feel super important when they know that your day full of nothingness can now involve caring about them again.
4. Watch every episode of Comedy Bang Bang. I shouldn’t have to explain this.
5. Make vegan cookies and eat them all yourself. Vegan means healthy, right?
6. Pretend people won’t stop taking your picture while going to the dog park. Again, social standing is key here. What kind of crazy person just normally walks their dog to the park?
7. Dress your dog up like Superman. This is just something really cute to do that takes the “look at that sad creature” attention off of you.
8. Create a game where you try to outsmart the monster wasps that live on your porch. It’s funner than admitting you’re terrified.
9. Come up with lists for other unemployed people. Because let’s share in our inability to support ourselves.
10. Plan dinner for the next ten days without ever making anything. Everyone knows the idea of super intensive recipes with spices and chopped veggies is really fun and super unrealistic.
11. Post pictures of yourself at pool to make employed people jealous. (Preferably while reading something like the New Yorker so people still think you’re an actively smart person).
12. Complain about how busy you are. Because you know how busy you actually should be.
13. Organize your thoughts in chronological order. If you can do this then why are you unemployed?
14. Reread the list of children’s name you made when you were ten. I bet the name Melanie or Melody or Kylie is there somewhere. It always is.
15. Try to play yourself in hangman. SUPER difficult.
16. Remember the red wedding from Game of Thrones and get pissed again. Does George R. R. Martin have a partner or is he completely heartless?
17. Get nostalgic about all the writing you did in college. Remember how important it was and how productive you were?
I guess I’ll look for jobs now…