DIYing for the Motivationally Challenged (CAUTION: DO NOT READ IF YOU THINK GIRLS DON’T POOP OR ACTUALLY, KEEP READING THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT POOP IN HERE)


After spending the majority of Wednesday night watching Matti sleep as I wrote down tiny sentences in my tiny owl notepad meant to be ideas to elaborate on later, I decided I needed to be more proactive. So I got up, found some sleepy medicine* and wrote a to do list in my tiny notepad–if you’re trying to imagine said notepad, think second grade party favor.

Among the ten things on my list, the first two were: Make coffee and take Tengo out. So, I felt good about how the next morning would start. The next thing on my list was to buy organizational stuff for my workspace, which, I wrote down as a way to trick myself into thinking it was okay to go shopping at Home Goods because it was a means of organizing my life. It worked.

One thing I have learned about myself recently is that although I’m a self-starter, I tend to do much better if I have someone behind me telling me how great I am and how amazing I’m doing at all times. In most instances, Tengo fills this role–his encouragement comes in the form of endless licks and that’s okay with me. But Tengo, being a dog, does not know much about home improvement or the next thing on my list.

The next thing on my list was to hand in my samples to the lab at the hospital. I’m going to TRY to be very delicate here but if you know me that does not happen often so let’s just be adults. I did in fact have to do some take home tests, or as I like to call it, the do-it-yourself-poop-kit. I was the lucky new recipient of a bunch of empty containers I would have to somehow defecate into.

The lady behind the counter handing me the poop containers: “Be careful with the two skinny bottles. They have toxic chemicals that could kill you if you touch or ingest. So, here’s some gloves.” Thanks lab lady, because defecating into tiny containers isn’t anxiety producing enough!

So, I walked in confidently to return my tests, wanting to yell to the lab technicians, “Look what I did! All by myself! I have a bunch of containers full of poop, dammit! Can I get a hand or something?” And I guess I was focused too much on the possibility of killing myself with these toxic crap chemicals that I failed to do every other poop test correctly. To be fair, the man was extremely apologetic that I had to do my poop tests all over again.

“And is it really safe to refrigerate my poop with like, food and stuff in there?”

He didn’t respond.

After finding out my DIY poop kit was a complete failure I was double determined to find the coolest, most vintagey, organizational gear I could get. Because once you are organized, you are successful–says everyone. I of course got sidetracked at Goodwill, because for some fucked up reason, Goodwill is now a hip store to shop at where you can find super fab one-of-a-kind pieces of art that you don’t and never will need. Such as these gems:

photo (76) photo (77)

We now have four different decorative pieces custom made in Hong Kong in our apartment that play songs like “Up the Lazy River” at random, inexplicable times.

But I did finally get to Home Goods and I did spend way too much money trying to make myself feel successful. And it definitely worked for the ten minutes it took to get home. But now, of course, like most failed DIY projects I choose to try, I am mid project, and all the DIYing did was place another thing on my to do list before writing. So this is what I am left with:

photo (78)

And what it all really comes down to is me blaming it all on Pinterest because Pinterest can turn the most unimaginative clown into a self-prescribed DIY expert. (Like this lady who might not be an unimaginative clown but who definitely NAILED IT).

Please feel free to share your DIY fails so I don’t feel like too much of an asshat.

*you know what kind of medicine I’m talking about

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4 responses to “DIYing for the Motivationally Challenged (CAUTION: DO NOT READ IF YOU THINK GIRLS DON’T POOP OR ACTUALLY, KEEP READING THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT POOP IN HERE)

  1. Okay, I admit it.Love your posts — hooked!

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