We can’t ALL Be Ugly Kids


I keep getting nervous that I won’t ever be able to become famous because I was WAY too cute as a kid. I mean, it is virtually impossible to pick up a book from a funny female writer that’s not accompanied by an awkward picture from the seventies of a too skinny or chubby girl with an Annie Hall coat and a pair of oversized bifocals. I am right and you know it. But I did have that too chubby, too skinny thing. And what sucks is they were never ACTUALLY ugly, they were just perceived that way because of the oversized glasses and awkwardness (until they inevitably grow up, get cuter glasses and become comedic sensations).

There was also a time where I was unsure if, as a little girl, I could wear cut-off muscle tanks. Apparently, they were not appropriate. There was also that time when I wore my Tweety Bird to school in the middle of February because we had just gotten back from Disney World and I just HAD to wear it. Of course, my teacher ended up calling my mom to find out why I was let out of the house wearing such a weather inappropriate shirt. Apparently, she hadn’t met a mother who opted out of dressing her children for the chance to sleep in. But I didn’t develop my near-sightedness until seventh grade, and by that time contacts were invented. So, unfortunately, I was never able to adorn such wide framed grandma glasses.

I do, however, have some amazing moments of when I was THAT girl. You know what I mean:

In 7th grade, Ms. Chase allowed me to where sunglasses during her class because my conjunctivitis was acting up. I was the girl who constantly had conjunctivitis.

In 8th grade, a lovable douchebag who would later go on to credit card girls during gym class came up to me sneezing and asked, “may I have a tissue.” (I developed earlier than most girls)

In 8th grade, Mr. Crispo was adamant that I had something on my eyelid, for like a week. I never had the heart to tell him I get skin tags that sometimes show up on my face. I know, I was SO SPECIAL — I just couldn’t let the world know.

In 5th grade computer class we read vocabulary words out loud. I got floppy discs. It’s still hard not to see LaToya laughing at me as floppy dicks came stumbling out of my mouth. (More on this story)

Have you ever noticed on those shows like The Voice, the contestant always says something like, “If I could just make money doing what I love and be able to take care of my family; I’ll be happy” as if it’s a super original thought and feeling. And it’s like, well doesn’t everyone secretly wish that? Most likely. We’re just not all so lucky(?) to be on The Voice. The most we can all do is have our own secret show just about us and it definitely does not have to be a reality show. I would be a mix of the ultimate Thursday night of comedy lineup (which is obviously: Community, The Office, Parks and Rec, and 30 Rock in ANY order) because I love edgy comedic productions of high budget drama series as well as subtle, brilliant one liners that go over most peoples’ heads (Mostly because it makes me feel smarter). Also, basically in all those shows the leading lady proves my ugly kid theory– I’m looking at you, Tina and Mindy (Remember: not ACTUALLY ugly).

tina-fey-as-a-kid mindy-kaling-childhood-puppet

What I really hope to happen is to have some random elementary school friend come and really give it to me straight–tell me I was the most awkward buck toothed half curly/half straight haired weirdo she ever hung around with. First, I’d have the best of both worlds: the stories of an awkward childhood without the visceral feeling of being the awkward uncool kid! Of course, that never happened. I was just painfully normal; just SO average.

Sure, in sixth grade a boy named Dan did sneeze AT me, reaching his hand out as if for me to give him a tissue from my protruding bossom. I did not, however, have a tissue at that point but I did have the pleasure of developing breasts at an early age for my school. Till that time, Brianna S was the only girl with any womanhood to show off and I was glad. It all went downhill after you got the boobs, as they say. More than anything, the sneeze incident made me feel totally IN and a part of the whole hormone cool kid thing. By the end of seventh grade I was in Mrs. Denino’s office explaining why the tape on our hotel door in Nantucket had been ripped in the morning.

“Well, I really wanted to talk with Steve about what the plan for the next day would be. I don’t have a cell phone like forty percent of kids my age so I could not reach him that way.” PEOPLE: it was seventh grade which meant I was MOSTLY into watching Gilmore Girls on my couch with a bowl of popcorn and melted raisenettes so Mrs. Denino had no reason to worry about what went down when we snuck into their room.

I was put into peer counseling after that which was SUPER edgy and cool. I wore super thick eyeliner from then on and Eric Safner told me he liked the two single strands of hair I kept down when I pulled my hair back in a pony tale (It was the ULTIMATE 90s girls do).

So I guess, I was an edgy awkward–in that way where my boyfriend’s mom NEVER liked me no matter how hard I didn’t try. Can I become famous now?

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One response to “We can’t ALL Be Ugly Kids

  1. Pingback: Women Are Funny and Smart (and we make up over half the population so remember that) | I'd like a redo

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