Your Parents Sex Life is a Fun Way to Not Think About our Goblin President for Like, One Minute

“Having sex with your father is like trying to get a worm through a key hole.”

“It’s just that I’ve always had a very sensitive gag reflux and your dad has always been…endowed.”

“Feels like the last time I came I was watching the Mary Tyler Moore Show.”

“Most days it feels as dry as a librarian’s basement down there.”

“I know your dad wants to have sex because he only had two Manhattans with dinner.”

“The good thing about it is I haven’t had to wash our sheets for years.”

“I think I might have that medical thing where your hoo-ha just closes up…what’s that called, pussy teeth?”

These are all things I prefer hearing over anything that comes out of Trump’s hateful gremlin mouth. His face makes me long to be blind. It looks like what happens to your cervix when you leave a tampon in too long. Trump is like your racist dad who has someone to help him spell McCarthyism which is very dangerous.

Okay, so honestly, nothing can distract us from the trash fire that is this current administration but maybe that’s a good thing. We literally can’t look away. Idk guys, hold your loved ones close and join the resistance I guess. Also, parents should have sex but maybe we don’t hear about it so much.

 

Throwing My Liberal Vagina Into the RING and You Should Too

Three years ago I spent days on end at the Texas Capitol fighting to preserve a women’s right to her own body in Texas.  I mocked Rick Perry’s ignorance for not being able to list the THREE agencies he wanted to get rid of in our country. Wendy Davis lost the battle. Texas women raged on. Women raged on. But it was a lot harder.

The fight is now national. The enemy happens to be our President-elect and the war is most certainly not just on women. If anything, I am fortunate to be born as a white woman, a biological factor that has given me a life of white privilege. A privilege I have hoped to use for good: to champion for those without a voice, to fight for those unable to do so, to stand with POC, LGBTQ and all oppressed groups. I am not perfect. I am so fucking far from it. I catch myself in judgmental thoughts. I stop myself when thinking problematically in stereotypes.

I’m pissed off. You should be fucking angry. You should tell your white friends how angry you are and why. You should speak up for your friends that don’t have the privilege of waking up in today’s America feeling unequivocally safe if not a bit off-put by the results of this beyond fucked election. If you did not vote — shame on you. How dare you throw away a right that so many people in this country do not have! People that have lived here their entire life, worked their asses off, yet are unable to stake their claim in America in one tangible way: our electoral process because of the legality holding them back.

My mom called me crying on Tuesday. She’s not the politically active type. She is half Mexican yet 100% American. She never learned to speak Spanish because my grandmother never taught her; My grandmother instead, spoke as little Spanish as possible to avoid discrimination at the time. She lost her language very early on in life. Racism forced her to lose her language. My mom cried for this and for her feelings as a subjugated woman. She has been abused. She has been assaulted. She has persevered. She has taught me my value and continues to do so. She works as a cashier at a grocery store and talks to every single person who comes through her line. People love her positivity and her kind heart (despite them wishing she would just shut up and bag every now and again). I love her for her foul mouth and for my young exposure to crime dramas.

Now here we are. In a world where an accused rapist AND a proven sexist, racist bigot is poised to become the President of the United States. And here I sit as a woman afraid of losing agency over her body; as a teacher afraid for her students of color, as a friend terrified for her LBGTQIA+ friends. As a Muslim ally terrified for their safety AND religious freedom. I never thought I would feel so betrayed by my country.

Years ago while attending a protest against the School of the Americas (click for more info) I listened to countless accounts of Latinos who lost loved ones in their country due to American-backed attacks. I felt so guilty yet so lucky to live in America because I could defend these people and yet still be safe from persecution. This thought was ignorant.

The war is on our soil and it has been for a long time. It’s time we started doing something about it and fighting for the good side.

P.S Does anyone else feel like dumpster baby Donald and his ignorant AF wife Melania shouldn’t even be allowed in the same room as the perfection that is President Barrack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama? K cool.

You can volunteer or donate money and if you can, you should (lists taken from Jezebel and Man Repeller):

The ACLU: “For almost 100 years, the ACLU has worked to defend and preserve the individual rights and liberties guaranteed by the Constitution and laws of the United States.”

The American Immigration Council: “The American Immigration Council (‘Council’), established in 1987, works to strengthen America by honoring our immigrant history and shaping how America thinks about and acts towards immigrants and immigration.”

Black Lives Matter: “An affirmation of Black folks’ contributions to this society, our humanity, and our resilience in the face of deadly oppression.”

Emily’s List: “We ignite change by getting pro-choice Democratic women elected to office.”

Everytown: “Everytown is a movement of Americans working together to end gun violence and build safer communities.”

HIAS: “HIAS stands for a world in which refugees find welcome, safety, and freedom.”

It Gets Better Project: “The It Gets Better Project’s mission is to communicate to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth around the world that it gets better, and to create and inspire the changes needed to make it better for them.”

KIND: “KIND staff and our pro bono attorney partners at law firms, corporations, and law schools nationwide represent unaccompanied immigrant and refugee children in their deportation proceedings. Together, we ensure that no child stands in court alone.”

The NAACP: “The mission of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) is to ensure the political, educational, social, and economic equality of rights of all persons and to eliminate race-based discrimination.”

NARAL Pro-Choice America: “NARAL was founded before Roe v. Wade, before legal abortion was even possible in the United States. We as an organization and as a progressive movement exist to fight for the dignity and equality of all Americans. We hold the line—in good times and in bad—to defend the freedoms that are enshrined in our constitution and that define what it means to be American.”

National Center for Transgender Equality: “The National Center for Transgender Equality is the nation’s leading social justice advocacy organization winning life-saving change for transgender people.”

Planned Parenthood: “Planned Parenthood delivers vital reproductive health care, sex education, and information to millions of women, men, and young people worldwide.”

RAINN: “RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization.”

The Anti-Defamation League was founded in 1913 to “stop the defamation of the Jewish people and to secure justice and fair treatment to all.” Find your local affiliate here and donate here.

Border Angels is an all-volunteer non-profit that advocates for immigration reform and social justice focusing on the U.S.-Mexico border. It offers educational and awareness programs and migrant outreach programs to San Diego County’s immigrant population. Donate here.

The Boys & Girls Clubs of America offers enrichment programs and support for children when they’re not in school. Donate and learn about ways to volunteer here.

Campaign Zero advocates for policy solutions to end police violence in America. Fill out this survey to learn how to get involved.

 

 

More resources:

Ann Friedman: Finish Your Ugly-Crying. Here’s What Comes Next.

The Mary Sue: What to Do If You’re Trans and Live in America Now

Anil Dash: Forget “Why?”, It’s Time to Get to Work

Nicole Silverberg: What Can I Do Right Now?

Huffington Post: If You’re Overwhelmed by the Election, Here’s What You Can Do Now

Jezebel: A List of Pro-Women, Pro-Immigrant, Pro-Earth, Anti-Bigotry Organizations That Need Your Support

Bust: Anti-Muslim Hate Crimes Will Surely Increase. Here’s How to Not be a Bystander

Talking to children about the election result

The Girl Can’t Help It

Your friendly neighborhood feminist here. There’s a lot going on, isn’t there? Like, ALL THE TIME. Like even when you wake up at 5:00 in the morning because Seizing the Day and Following Your Dreams and whatnot. Was I in middle school once? Did we, as women, win the right to control our reproductive bodies in 1973 or did I imagine that? Where am I even? Can I have a do over?

Save us, Ruth.

Save us, Ruth.

The Supreme Court decided last week that a corporation’s right to religious freedom is more important than a women’s right to access necessary healthcare. It decided that a corporation can have religious freedom. Because everyone knows you need to get to church early or those pesky early bird corporations will take all the seats! Nope. That doesn’t happen. Can a corporation have its period? Can a corporation get pregnant? Can I ask a corporation what religion they believe in when they apply for a job? Is it physically possible to kick a corporation right in the balls – just square in the seed holder? The answer to all of the questions is a resounding no.

What this decision tells us is that Hobby Lobby’s god believes that a woman should not be able to regulate her reproductive bodies through the birth control method of her choice but that a man, in whatever scenario that so provokes him, can choose to acquire and use reproductive medicines — vasectomies, viagra, etc. Because apparently god didn’t take whiskey dick into consideration when making Adam and Eve. Their god just feels a little weird about allowing women agency and autonomy over their bodies in the same way that guys have it — something about not trusting women after the whole snake in the garden incident (more on this to come)

And of course we can learn a lot from brave, mind-shattering responses from great minds like Erick Erickson:

Above all, there is a “sucks to be you” mentality at work here. You want to have sex whenever you want, you dirty slut? Well, sucks to be you because you have to be pregnant and deal with the whole birth thing and we’re going to chip away at your access to the one thing that can allow you to take control and agency over that very process. Of course, there are always TWO people involved in an unplanned pregnancy. Yet for the emotional, physical, and financial  burden thrust upon the woman, you would think she got pregnant by herself at feminist camp.

HL-meme-11

We are told to accept our biology and embrace the limitations imposed upon that very biology because some God decided it to be that way. He originated the “sucks to be you” reasoning in his conversation with Eve:

“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
with painful labor you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16)

Man’s punishment for listening to Eve (a woman apparently made from HIS OWN RIB yet he was still unable to talk it out with her before eating the poisonous fruit): You’re going to have to work really hard to get your own food and work, you’ll have to rule over all women, and one day you will die and return to dust.

I don’t know, given the whole human mortality condition this punishment doesn’t seem entirely on par with the women’s punishment.

personperson

Religious freedom is one thing but freedom on its own is entirely separate. Freedom to be a person and not be ruled by any other person. Freedom to be seen as more than a rib taken from a man that was written about in an old, old, book. Freedom to have SEX without comment from the purity police — because we all know that a MAJORITY of our country has sex for reasons besides PROCREATION (Like say, pleasure and intimacy?). Freedom to make informed, educated choices about my body because you don’t see us trying to take away your Viagra. Believe me, we have way more important things to do. 

More Hobby Lobby hypocrisy:

The Guardian

Mother Jones

 

 

Real Talk: To Poo Pourri or not to Poo Pourri

The other day, as I innocently watched television via my friend’s parent’s Xfinity account computer, I was taken aback by some gratuitous poo talk. Granted, the commercial was for a poo-smell-negating product but it was offensive nonetheless. OKAY…have you guys heard of Poo Pourri? If you haven’t, it’s a lovely little spray you use before said pooing occurs, which eliminates that yucky odor that tends to remind us humans that we’re all slowly rotting away from the inside out — some worse than others.  (SPOILER: in the following paragraphs I may hint at the possibility that girls poop.)

poo-pourri girl

I know what you’re thinking right now: Aly, you’ve literally talked about bowel movements in 75% of your posts, what’s so gross about a well-mannered Brit elaborating on her poop processes  First, check it out for yo’self:

 

So, my beef is with the Orbit-esque nature of the ad — the whole concept that a prim and proper British lady with a pearl necklace is the the only qualified female able to talk about “unladylike” stuff like pooping because the overwhelming nature of her refinement neutralizes the words “tenacious skid marks” when they flow out of her mouth. And sure, it’s not like I wanna live my life obsessed with the literal act of shitting:

Exaggerated enactment of what life would look like if I only talked about my digestive mood:

“Hey, Aly, how’s it going?”

“Well, judging by the box of pizza I’m still pretending I didn’t eat last night, today’s going to be loose and uncomfortable. But enough about my bowels, how are you doing, Bob?”

No one wants this– not Bob and not me.

The ad just makes me think of a room full of advertising executives throwing out ideas and one of them yells out, after watching remembering how cool the “put a bird on it” episode of Portlandia was: “Hey, let’s put a British accent on it! That’ll make it watchable!” And thus, poop was classed up a bit. Made more ladylike and acceptable for those men still uncomfortable with the idea of a women sitting a toilet, emptying her tiny, fragile, lady bowels.

And then I come to find out that Bethany Woodruff, the poo actress, is actually Scottish. Alas, the British nature of this ad is totally purposeful and a lot creepier. Should we blame Mary Poppins? Is it our fault?

There’s a larger problem at work here — the problem of society not accepting women for anything besides being female and all that the term implies. Femininity is obviously not synonymous with taking a shit but if we put a pretty, proper girl in a nice dress, throw on some pearls, and plop her on top of a toilet, voila! It is now acceptable for her to talk about her bowel movements.

Take her out of that scenario, things get weird again:

Clearly, this guy is a little uncomfortable with the topic at hand. It’s like he’s not sure if it’s okay to ask the agreed upon questions for the interview.

Interviewer: What was the hardest line for you to keep a straight face?

“I think tenacious skid mark… not often do you hear a female say my skid marks are tenacious..know what I mean?”

“I’ll take your word for it because I don’t know how tenacious they are…”

Awkward laughter ensues until the camera goes to a female newscaster who says:

“Just for the record, I don’t do that.”

So yeah, girls talking about poop is still awkward. Even if she kind of sounds like the Queen. We’ve come a long way.

 In all honesty, I’ll probably try this product because why not? And if we could take the stink aspect out of poop, maybe us girls would feel more inclined to join the conversation. 

Would you Poo Pourri? Does one of your coworkers need to Poo Pourri? Potty humor welcome. 

Leave My Uterus Alone, Rick Perry

*This was originally posted last summer after spending a lot of time at the Texas Capitol groaning and eye rolling as Rick Perry’s team played for a dirty victory where the prize was women’s reproductive rights. Today I will be going to see Queen Wendy, House of Davis, Mother of Dragons and I thought it was about time to revisit all the reasons she MUST win the governorship.

***

Let’s get real for a second.

Hey Rick Perry, do you remember that time you said you pray because you’re “prone to make a lot of mistakes” and also, when in front of America, you claimed there were three very important agencies of the government you were going to get rid of and oh wait, was it the EPA? I still don’t know because you never remembered.  Also, remember when you said you hoped to be the Tim Tebow of the Iowa caucus? (Sad about his career now, huh?) Or when you said OUT LOUD that the minimum voting age was 21? (Gotta get that apathetic youth vote!)

I guess you really are prone to make mistakes.

See, that’d be funny and all if you were my 103-year-old senile grandfather peeing on the lawn and not the person who runs the state I live in and who is holding my reproductive rights in your hand like a soft tomato (are you surprised I didn’t call it a delicate flower? Well, fuck you.) You’re own republican friends have called you “Bush without the brains” so I think you should tread lightly when passing judgement.

You’ve been talking a lot about Wendy Davis, who has recently been described as a “former teen mom” — which is so great because we usually only hear about teen dads. Nope, that’s not true…

971

You claim she clearly hasn’t learned from her own example as a teen mom. Obviously, as a middle-aged white man you would have a lot of expertise on being a teenaged girl. Now, you are calling a second special session — because all those people flooding the capitol to protest your BS was just a coincidence — to push through the draconian bill that would close 37 out of our 42 reproductive health clinics and make abortions illegal after 20 weeks. Because why wouldn’t five clinics in the massive state of Texas be enough for over ten million women? Oh right, because math. But you claim that you are fighting for human rights by passing this bill. That’s weird. It didn’t seem like you were fighting for human rights when you vetoed the bill that would assist women in the fight for equal pay because you were afraid it’d hinder job creation. Yay! Human rights! Let the free market work itself out!

See the thing is, Rick, people like Wendy can’t just pick and choose the human rights’ issues that’ll best serve their political agenda like you and your conservative cronies. People like us don’t have that freedom. Because you exist. Because you think it’s your right to determine who gets married and what I can do with my own body. Do you hear me telling you what to do with your penis? No, that’d be creepy and invasive. Yes, Wendy Davis had a baby at nineteen — she chose to have a baby. That’s the point here. Pro-Choicers are just that. We are not pro-abortion. We are for women’s abilities to make an informed, educated choice about her body and her health (which will be soo easy to do when there are only five women’s health clinic in the entire state).

So no, old white haired men, I’d rather you not tell me when and when I cannot have a baby and I’d rather you listen to some ladies. I want to be clear here, though, that I think any baby-having decisions should ultimately be discussed with both parties involved and not just up to the female. With that said, if it’s the responsibility of both parties then we should make a law where men must wear full prosthetic baby bellies for the entire gestation of the fetus and/or microchip every man so his whereabouts are known and therefore, he is unable to leave his pregnant partner until the baby is born. Because that doesn’t seem like an invasion of privacy or anything.

RickPerryCorndog

Wendy Davis already schooled you once, filibustering like hell so ya’ll wouldn’t cut tons of money for education. And you know what? Filibustering in Texas is hard! This isn’t no reading the telephone book Congress bull shit or handing it off to your colleague when you’ve run out of lines from Alice in Wonderland. Sister couldn’t even lean on her desk! What I’m trying to say, Rick Perry, is that you’re a hairdo and a nice face on an ignorant republican robot body so get the corn dog out of your mouth and back the fuck off my uterus. Or I’m gonna go get Wendy.

Share Your World – 2014 Week 17

shareyourworld

Howdy fraaannnnnds! I decided to jump on to the Share Your World train because I sense the need for you all to get to know me on a more intimate level. And also because I love talking about myself. Weird, right? Thanks to Cee for some great questions!

What are some words that just make you smile?

The phrase “wicked frigan pissah” because Jimmy Fallon, and also ’cause it reminds me of my mom. My mom would describe most of the accomplishments in my life as “wicked frigan pissah” and that’s why she is better than your mom.

I need to second Stuphlog’s word choice, “caddywhompus” because if that word doesn’t make you smile then you should reevaluate the the value of silliness in your life. Also, codswallop because I imagine a Cod hitting a baseball in an underwater Cod baseball league. I also love morphing the educational program Rosetta Stone to “Rosetta Stoned” because it evokes a vision of people getting high off of knowledge and that’s cool.

cod

When you lose electricity in a storm, do you light the candles or turn on the flashlight? How many of each do you own?

Thanks for making me super anxious about an impending catastrophe…It’d have to be candles but I definitely don’t have enough! I have one with a cross on it that my student regifted to me from her First Communion and thought I wouldn’t notice. Oddly enough, it made me like her more. Mostly I use the flashlight app on my phone but if the power was out I couldn’t charge it so I think I need to reconsider some life decisions for a moment…

What is the longest book you ever read?

1q841Q84 by Haruki Murakami so yeah, I’m pretty cool. And by cool, I mean I’m a total nerd. And by total nerd I mean I’m a wannabe nerd. We named our dog Tengo after one of the main characters in this book, so yeah, it’s worth a read. Also, this book literally blew my mind. I’m still putting the pieces back together (explains a lot, huh?).

So you win a pet monkey at a fair, but this isn’t just any old monkey. It can do one trick for you whenever you want from getting a pop out of the fridge to washing your hair. What would be the trick?

Ughhh this is so difficult because there are so many tasks I’ve imagined a monkey completing for me! The monkey would absolutely brush my teeth for me every day. It must not wake me up or make me expend any physical energy in the process otherwise it’s not worth it. If brushing the teeth wouldn’t work then it’d have to be running to Wheatsville to get me a vegan, gluten-free peanut butter cup and a dark chocolate sea salt and almond bar whenever I want because Matti’s done this enough by now.

Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?

I’m thankful for discovering the chiropractor and her miracle massage table that feels like a wave is assaulting your back in the BEST way possible.

Looks like You Need an Adjustment…

nobody got timeSometimes I like to think I’m invincible. My definition of invincible basically being the song “U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer. My fiance often likes to joke that he gets nervous when I have a random ache because I have such a high tolerance for pain that I let a lot of stuff slide. I like to share this with a lot of people because it makes me sound like a totally bitchin’ badass, which, let’s face it, I am. I once called a healthcare hotline while nannying when I didn’t have health insurance. The conversation went as follows:

“How can I help you, today?” Super nice (and I imagine super cute) nurse lady who helps people without health insurance.

“I have some pretty severe pain in my stomach. I’m pretty sure my colon has been inflamed for about a week now but I wasn’t sure if it was that serious.”

“Ma’am, I’m going to need you to go the emergency room… like yesterday.”

“But do you think I’ll have to wait long? I need to be at my other job at 1:45.”

So, when last week, my back was all like, “oh hell, noooooo” to the whole walking thing, I decided I should probs see someone. The problem is, I keep asking myself, “it is worth it?” as in “is it worth paying money to feel healthy?”

Ahh, and then I understood (clouds parted and healthcare angels began to sing in hushed, angelic whispers). It could just be me but as a member of the (hashtag)millennial generation, I’m going to say it: we suck at taking care of ourselves. But it’s not completely our fault. Amidst the whole growing-up-and-living-on-your-own-and-being-responsible thing, we all kind of thought: hey, we’re young, we created Youtube and Twitter, we can handle a little chronic back pain, a little Strep throat, a little [insert sickness here]. Couple this with the whole skewed health insurance system in our country and it’s a recipe for a generation that is not taking care of themselves. I mean, we’re the first generation who thought searching symptoms on WebMD constituted a physical check-up. Self-diagnosing your vertigo via the interwebs is not helping anyone, people.

So when I found a chiropractor, who I’m pretty sure moonlights as the soothing voice in every late night telemarketing ad for a neck or body massager, or “being your whole self,” I knew I struck medical gold. She gets me, in the way that she wrote a note to my boss saying I can no longer lift the heavy boxes of sodas that Staples delivers every week. I’m also an advocate of healing yourself without using medication — could be the whole substance abuse thing that runs in my family but hey, to each their own. (But seriously, everyone, stop relying so much on prescription drugs).

So back to my question: is it worth it? Well, when your doctor tells you your neck is in the shape of an “S” and no, that’s not how it should look and oh, see this pinched nerve, that’s probably the reason you’ve been losing feeling in your hands, then I would go with a solid yes, it’s worth it. I’ve been twice so far and I felt very proud when she said my “back was adjusting really well” — my spine high-fived itself for being so responsive to treatment. keep calm I’m not saying everyone should go to a chiropractor — I still feel weird about it myself to be honest. But let’s at least make a promise to ourselves to take care of our bodies. And no, I don’t mean finally getting that adderall you’ve been trying to trick your doctor into writing you a script for. I mean like, putting down the In and Out burger fries and The Call of Duty controller and going for a walk or some shit. Ugggh, did I just sound like my grandmother talking about Call of Duty like that?

How often do you go to the doctor? Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Is your neck also shaped like an “S”?

Sunday Update: My dog reads The New Yorker

It’s Sunday and you’re wondering, is leaving my couch necessary today orrrrr would it be acceptable to re-watch the entire series of Workaholics in one go? Take two: It’s Sunday and you’re one of those people that likes to do things like go to brunch or try your hand at paddle-boarding and you’re wondering: there’s so little time to show everyone how active and busy my rewarding life is! (Guess which one of these I am!?)

Fear not young weekenders, you can do it ALL and you can look at this picture of my dog. Oh! And you can also head over to the sidebar area and like my page on Facebook because we all want to show those bitches in high school how accomplished we are now. Help me get revenge, Facebook style. (I know I’m late to this party but I’ve finally come to accept that my future mother-in-law is probably going to hear me talk about dicks at some point so why prolong the inevitable?)

Now, by popular demand, here’s Tengo reading the New Yorker:

tengodoggy

Now go like my Facebook page so I can quantitatively prove my worth to my family and friends! Thanks for putting up with me!

Here’s Some Fiction on a Saturday

It’s funny how writing about personal experience felt so difficult after training my brain in fiction but you know what they say, get a girl talking about herself and you can’t shut her up! (And by they I basically mean Sean Hannity). I’m gonna stop talking about myself for a little bit here, or not completely, I’m gonna start talking about the characters in my brain, y’all. They cannot be silenced. Also, there’s only so many times you can write about walking to Starbucks with your dog. I hope I make up characters smart enough to buy their coffee local.

***

It’s 9 am and most functional, employed adults are awake. Gia is, instead, under a cascading, too-heavy, sale-rack Anthropologie quilt dreaming about having a life.

There is a friendly knock at the door. After the third time, it gets aggressive. Picture Danny DeVito locked out of his apartment with just his boxer briefs (I know, weird, I always  pictured him in whitey tighties, too…).

Eyes crusted over, Gia answers the door.

“Ugghhh, I was having the most delightfully pretentious dream about hosting a Ted Talk about achieving your dreams…” Her hair is matted to her head, being held in a pony-tale by a seemingly invisible hair elastic.

Tara enters, scanning the room, a visibly disgusted look on her face. “Jesus, what did you do last night? Go beyond the wall and get into a fight with a White walker or some shit?”

“Are you Game of Thrones insulting me right now? Is that what you’re doing? I think getting into a fight with Peter Dinklage would’ve been funnier.”

“You’re the worst,” Tara says, picking a bra off the ground with her foot, “can we go now? I waited as long as I could but I want to get to the pool before all the bald men in your apartment complex start showing up and claiming chairs. Bald guys have a thing for me.”

“Since when are there a lot of bald guys at my apartment complex?”

“Since every time we’ve ever gone to your pool.”

“I’d like a specific example.”

“OH, LET’S DO THIS. Cue the damn flash back music!”

“I hate you for so many reasons,” Gia says, sniffing at her arm pits to get a feel for how she should proceed with the day.

“I’m imaging the Game of Thrones theme song, what about you?”

“Of course you are. Your mom got you into Game of Thrones, didn’t she?

“Yeah, cause I make decisions based on what my mom likes.” Tara gives a Tina Fey eye roll as her screen lights up with a text from her mom: “How could they let Arya see her family die like that?!” She replies: “MOM!! YOU’RE SUCH A SPOILER! STOP SAYING THINGS ABOUT G.O.T.”

“I’m going to ignore you texting your Mom about Game of Thrones. Now get back to the bald guys.”

“Yes yes, it was a Friday…”

[Game of Thrones theme starts playing]

There are two bald guys in the hot tub and one thirty-ish year-old women feeling proud about her bikini body. Gia and Tara look at each other, daring the other to go in first.

The bald guy with the plaid shorts is talking about his recent trip to India:

“I found a driver that spoke English! He charged me 100 Rupees and I gave 120 and said to him ‘that’s for speaking English!” As the words came out of his mouth, another racist angel was born.

[Back to present]

“Wait a hot second, was that guy really that racist? I don’t remember him being that racist.”

“I haven’t even gotten to the part where he tells that woman not to sue her boss for sexual harassment because she doesn’t have enough money.”

“Okay, okay,” Gia gets indignant, “can we agree here that it’s not exactly the QUANTITY of bald white dudes that live at my apartment complex but the QUALITY that makes the difference here. I’m actually a fan of Howie Mandel, his idiosyncrasies are super endearing.”

“You’ve only heard the first bald guy story! And I didn’t even finish! You have at least five more that I know of. Remember that one who let us smoke some of his joint. Actually, I guess he wasn’t so bad.”

“What is going on here? Can we get into your creepy fascination with bald men some other time. I’m going to ruin every part of Game of Thrones if you say the world bald one more time. And honestly, I think you may want to talk to like, a professional, about this.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Will they make it to the pool before all the lounge chairs fill up? And will Tara ever stop talking about bald guys? But more importantly, will Gia ever actually make her bed? Check back next week for more weekend fiction y’all.

A Discussion on Workplace Etiquette (or Don’t Steal my Lunch, You Jerks!)

Let me start off my addressing the thief who ate my frozen pad thai lunch. Who do you think you are, the decider of the future of wayward frozen meals? What do you just wait for the moment everyone has gone home and  you think, “yeah, now’s my chance! I’ll show them!” in the voice of Brain from Pinky and the Brain? And then you proceed to sneak into the break room and siphon off people’s lunches one small delicious bite at a time? Well sir, I’ve heard of the missing PB&J and deli meat sandwiches and I have heard of the souptastrophe of early April and may I just say… HOW DARE YOU?

Look at it! Look at what you stole from me!

Look at it! Look at what you stole from me!

Not only am I upset by the cahones you seem to have in the lunch thievery department but I am also offended for a multitude of other reasons. Like, where were you during fridge clean outs when I threw out five pounds of pinto beans and watered down coleslaw from that corporate luncheon? Where were you when that leftover chicken sandwich squirted it’s musty juices on my just washed denims? Were those leftovers not good enough for your thieving bear claws?!

And what confuses you about a frozen meal labeled Aly 4/14/14? Look at all those fours! It was so much fun to write! And it was a g-damn gluten-free veggie pad thai! You’ve now forced me to walk around the office aimlessly, like those birds who mysteriously found their way into a mall or a parking garage and cannot get out, searching for an answer. There will be payback and it will be tenfold. You’ve made a girl who cannot eat gluten VERY hungry and you know what they say about people who give up gluten…(you know, just that we’re cranky about not eating gluten but our bodies ultimately feel much better).

Now to you, man with lots of questions at our hour-long sexual harassment training. We get it, we get it, you’re REALLY into freedom of speech. So when someone tells you that explaining why same-sex marriage is wrong cannot happen in the workplace, you get all butthurt about it.

inigo

You: But the 1st Amendment guarantees I can say what I want without being penalized for being a pompous asshole who doesn’t understand how the law or morality and office etiquette works. (Stomps feet on the ground and shakes a baby rattle)

Big lawyer guy from NY office that knows more than you because he is an actual lawyer: Sure, you have freedom of speech but when you’re in the workplace there are other factors to take into consideration…Like how your speech effects the feelings of others. Is it offensive? Is it appropriate?

Me (to myself but pretending I’m the big lawyer man): And you know what is not in the constitution, Mr. dumbass —  may I call you Mr. Dumbass? — is a right to be employed, (Hence the whole, millions of people unemployed thing). [Drops mic]

free speech

Take it from me, a person who isn’t offended THAT easily (unless it’s something sexist, or racist, or anti-Dog Whisperer): No one wants to hear your slightly hateful rhetoric defending the First Amendment. And I get it, because I’m white and privilege is deep ingrained into my psyche as well, that you think you should be able to say WHATEVER your little-man-penis desires but that’s just not the case anymore, sir. You can, however, find hope that Mad Men still has a new season for you to “spank the monkey” too as Don Draper and his cronies use their free speech to degrade every woman they come into contact with. Hey, you could even make it into a drinking game — that seems fun and well-suited to your douchebag dispositions. Enjoy liver failure in ten years! Free speech rocks!

What sort of workplace injustice have you overcome? Was “hugs happen” also a takeaway from your workplace harassment training?